June 28, 2010

On the 20th, something dramatic happened. I woke up, and as I was finishing getting ready in the bathroom, Elder McConnell came in looking particularly unhappy. I can still remember the look on his face before he collapsed to the floor, dead. The life was just gone from his body. I couldn't believe it! Actually, none of that really happened. I just wanted to start my letter off with a bang! That was the first of Elder McConnell's ulcer attacks. He's had to spend at least some time each day getting rest. We've missed a lot of class time, and visited the doctor frequently. We even got to go to the Rite-Aid down by Macey's the other day. I was disappointed at how non-weird it was. Lame! It really doesn't feel like I've left or done anything significant.
As district leader, in addition to my individual report to the Branch President, I add a report on the District. A few weeks ago, my Pres. called me in for a private interview about my report. I told him I couldn't recall what I had written. He pulled it out of his briefcase, and read it to me. It told of my love for my district, and went on to tell special qualities I thought each of my missionaries had. By the end, we were both crying. I blame the Spirit, because both of us were too manly to cry on purpose. He told me it was special to him, and that he was going to keep it forever.
Elder McConnell's ulcer was because he realized we were only 6 weeks in, and we had 2 years left. I tried to comfort him, but he says he'll be fine. I had those thoughts until week 3, and the Lord has blessed me with peace, because of my obedience. While we stay home, so Elder McConnell can rest, I work-out with our "fitness elastic bands." I do 500 crunches, 1000 pec-pulls, and 1000 back-pulls per arm. Not much of a change yet. Darn! My Patriarchal Blessing says that I will not neglect my body's needs for exercise and change. I just read the Book of Mormon while I work-out, so I'm staying productive.
This week was the mission President's seminar. That's where a third of the missions get new presidents to replace the old ones. They come here for a week to receive their training on how to guide and counsel missionaries. The cool part was that their teachers are the General Authorities! I didn't see Pres. Monson, Uchtdorf, or Eyering, although they were here for the farewell yesterday. Through the week, I had two fun experiences. First, let me say that since I've arrived here, I have studied Elder Holland's talks obsessively. I love how they flow, and how emotional he gets. I have had my love grow for him. My district was chosen as "practice dummies" for the new Presidents to guide. While we were waiting our turn in the hall, Elder Nelson walked by and said "hi", but nothing more. There were a lot of missionaries waiting their turns in the hall. Elder Holland was behind him. After walking by several groups, he stopped at our district. I had seen him coming, and had offered a silent prayer, saying, "If there's one apostle's hand I ever want to shake, it's his. Please stop! And he did! He shook all our hands, and nobody else's. I wanted him to know how much I had appreciated what he had done for me, somehow. He gave everyone little one-liners, as he moved down the line. As he moved, no one spoke. They just nodded their heads politely. When he got to me, I couldn't help but blurt-out rather lamely, "You're my favorite!" Without missing a beat, he looked me in the eye (something he hadn't done to the others, he has really blue eyes) and said, "You're my favorite!" I know it was a joke, but he still said it. BOO YEAH!!!! As he kept moving down the line, he kept looking back at me, and before he rounded the next corner, he looked at me again! I felt pretty good! The next day, we rand into Elder Nelson outside, after we had returned from Rite-Aid. I shook his and his wife's hand, and talked to them for about 5 minutes. He has very soft doctor-hands. On Friday, we did get to go to the temple, although it wasn't for a session. We got to clean. It was definitely a unique experience. I though we'd be dusting and vacuuming. Nuh-uh! The first thing we were told, after we put on our white scrubs, was not to cut off anyone else's ear. Not a small portion of my mind was extremely worried about what kind of rags we'd be using. Ha ha. Go figure! We actually were handed a 4 foot handle with a 4 inch wide blade at the end. We saw that all the carpet on the second floor (the one with the chapel) had been removed, and our job was to use these little blades to clear out the remaining glue. It was tough! And it was not quiet! The other floors sounded like a construction zone. All the curtains were down, so I got a great view out the windows. I got to explore a lot. It was cool!
Alright, now onto the important part of my letter. I don't know if I've told you this, but a continuing theme so far, something that is a constant doubt, is "Who am I?" Forgive me if I've told you before. One of the first Sundays, the second counselor in my Branch Presidency, Bro. Robinson, called me in for an interview. He didn't interview me, he taught me. He taught me something very special. He had noticed I didn't think highly of myself, and after hearing Elder Holland's talk to us, I had told him I thought I needed to change. In this interview, he asked me how I would feel if I didn't need to change? Being a smart-mouth, I said I would feel surprised. He asked what "surprised" would feel like. I paused for a long time before saying it would feel good! He assured me I was. I took that to heart, and that night, in my journal, wrote down a list of qualities that define me. Okay, so that was in the first few weeks. I've thought about this very much. I have to in order to know......I don't know. It's like, the worst uncertainty to have. I mean, not knowing who you are? Since the beginning of my mission, I've questioned who I am, what I believe, to what lengths would I go to do something? It has been a very disconcerting time for me. I've been able to reap the benefits of it, and I can see how it has helped me grow. I know I can't see all the consequences yet, I know that they are significant. Anyway, so that's been the biggest thing so far. I've told Bro. Robinson about it, and he said he could tell. That threw me for a loop! He's a very observant man, and reminds me of myself. Maybe that's how he's so accurate. Yesterday he called me in for another "interview" and made more guesses about qualities that I have. He said that I have an extreme talent for accomplishing goals. And if there was anyone he'd ever met, that needed to make their dreams come true, it was me. When he said that, it just seemed eery, because that's what I have been thinking. Actually, all of his guesses have gone through my head at least once, so just know that the following (all of it) is eery. He pointed-out 2 things that might hurt me with being successful. One, is that I give myself high expectations. I mean BIG. I know you guys might not think so, but if it's something I really care about, it has to be perfect. And if I fall just a little bit short, I hate myself, I mean really Loathe! I always want to be better, so I can be the best. I can't stand to be less than I am able, and Bro. Robinson helped me realize how big a part of my life this is. Especially after losing Kayla. I thought it had been my fault, and that I still could have her if I had just done that "one thing" better. Bro. Robinson asked if I pray for patience. I said yes. He said to stop it. He said he had received the same counsel from his Stake President years ago. Instead he prays for deliverance, which is having God move you from where you are now, to where you want to be. He delivers you there. In a spiritual and emotional sense, this sounds like exactly what I need. The second thing that could stop me, is something I've only been fleetingly aware of over the years, that is getting more and more noticeable, and more and more dangerous to me. Bro. Robinson says it seems like there are two different people in me. I'm not schizophrenic, or anything. I think I'm just confused. Bro. Robinson's observation was right on. He said there's a part of me that is sensitive, intimate, and loving. There's another part that is ambitious and assertive. The two are warring through the form of "impatience." Eery, I know. Part of me is about quality, and the other is about quantity. He told me I was unique and different (that is also something I've been having a hard time with here. except everyone here tells me they want to be like me, and that I'm a "good" different. I just think it's spooky how Bro. Robinson covered all my questions in one talking to). He said I was doing "amazingly intricate wonders" in a "normal life." I haven't even told him that I wrote a book,(which you still need to read)! He noticed that I'm a "Jack-of-all-trades." I added that, although that was true, I was a "master of none." He pointed-out that I need to find that one talent that God has given me. He likened me to the Fiddler on the Roof. I don't know if you've seen it? I know we have it. The peak of the roof is so sharp, that it was already dangerous to stand there, let alone playing all the "intricate" notes of a violin. That's me. Life is crazy enough without all the amazing things I've been doing and thinking about. He said something that really made me feel good. "While everyones' been playing their fiddles, I've been playing a symphony. And although I can play any instrument, he thinks I would be best suited as the conductor. That's really close to my Patriarchal Blessing where it says I will govern, both "in church and beyond," as well as my baby blessing. Cool, huh?
I love you so much, and can't wait to hear from you!