Tuesday: Today was a really good day. I don`t know why, I just feel good. We got up and went to our Distrizona meeting. I love all the goofy elders here. We talked about our investigators and other things that will happen. Not particularly exciting. We left early so we could do a little grocery shopping before our appointment with Nestor at 1. We got it all done, but Elder Barajas realized he only had $6,00 pesos ($12) left for the month. I only have about $20,000 ($40) left. Because of the travel and food costs things are going to be tight. I`ll probably have to use my own account this month. We went and taught Nestor the plan of salvation. That`s always my favorite lesson to teach, because it`s so full of hope and pure knowledge. And whenever we teach pure doctrine, we are teaching Christ and inviting his spirit in the lesson. And this lesson was packed with it. Nestor was on the edge of his seat as we illustrated the journey he would complete one day. We asked inspired questions and he replied with surprisingly profound answers. This guy has been to almost every church here in chile, and he KNOWS when something sounds right. And he told us today that he`s talked to missionaries of those churches. But ever since the missionaries came, he`s been "interested" for the first time by any of the others. He`s so in tune with his feelings, and just has this knack to discern truth subconsciously. It`s unreal. We tried to put a date with him for september, but he said two weeks felt too soon. He told us that he for sure wanted to get baptized, but he was waiting for a certainty. He did say he`ll get baptized in october. I told him to pray tonight, aloud, for the feeling of peace and certainty, and that his Heavenly FAther will help him press forward. We came home, and I bought us lunchy because Elder Barajas doesn`t have money. We visited Hna. Sonia tonight. Ernesto is in the Hospital with some blood problem. I think he had another heart attack too. Her granddaughter was there too. When we got there we asked Sonia how she was. She said "bad." We offered to help with something. She said, "no." Then Elder Barajas offered to make her bread. She got really excited and said, "you know how?" He replied yes, but in english he told me not really. When I started hleping, she asked if I had before. I said no, and she told me I seemed like I had done it for years. PWN`d!
Wednesday: We got up this morning, and hustled off to our special training conference. I notice, now, as I go to these meetings I recognize the other Elders and they recognize me. It may not seem like anything big, but it gives me a sense of familiarity and afety. We said our hellos and sat down to begin. President gave us two items of warning: The first was to earn the respect of the members. Don`t dawdle at their homes like friends. We`re representatives of christ, and have to work hard. The second was flirting. He said he received a letter from a mom of a daughter with whom an elder had been courting. She had pictures of them hugging and everything. President said, "And where was his companion?" That`s just weird to me. I`m not attracted to latinas, so I`m safe. I`ve told Elder Barajas before that I`m lucky I got sent to a country where I`m not tempted by girls. The assisstants went through the august statistics. As a mission, we had 100 baptisms exactly. We received other training before we had an activity. It was a mix of scripture master (from preach my gospel), 3-legged race, and musical chairs. The assisstants would read a scripture while we stood in the middle, and when we found that same scripture in our books we`d run (hop, really) to our chairs. There were always less chairs than people, so you get the idea. Tonight, we were suddenly called to help the brothers with something. It was a rehearsal to practice dancing the cueca: the national dance of Chile. But it made me angry because they refused to teach us. They turned on the music and told us to all dance together. Of course it looked horrible, and they kenw it. When I asked for help, they told me to look at my neighbor. So I had to do the whole thing looking at some guy`s incredibly complicated footwork, and try to copy him AFTERWARD, instead of us being in sync. That`s one thing more about who I am: I hate looking stupid. The dance isn`t hard. I could do it if it was explained. But they wouldn`t After the training today, and having failed so badly at dancing, I wanted to go teach Papà Joel, `cause it was something I thought I could WIN at. But I realized, with a shamed heart, that I was having proudk unchristlike thoughts. So I cried on the inside and repented and asked for the spirit that I lost. It came. But we still stayed away from Joel.
Thursday: During contacts we ran into a drunk guy. He started talking to us and we soon realized he was talking AT us. He did so for 15-20 minutes before we tried to go. He started getting offended and said god would give him time. We said that we`re not god and we had other appointments. We went to Lider to get me a new "bicentennial" mug (`cause Elder Barajas broke my other one.=. And we had to go across the street, or copies of a paper. While there, we met a lady who told us, for SOME reason, that she was trying to quit smoking. We gave her some info, got her address, and are going to give her to the sister missionaries. (for a contact, we weeded out thorns for a lady. When we left, we gave her a pass-along card of christ. she took it and said, "oh! so this is Josph smith?" We told her, "No that`s Jesus."
Friday: Today was a really great day. Tomorrow is the 18th of September, the independance day of Chile. Won`t have to work tomorrow, because Pres. said we could have our p-day then and work on monday. I think it`s `cause the whole country will be drunk. Not an exaggeration. Not a lot happened today, actually. Just a LOT of walking. we actually got up late today. We did some studying before we got ready and headed out to lunch. We ate with the Bishop`s family. We spent the majority of the afternoon going to people`s houses to tell them about the Ward activity that would start at 5. We didn`t have minutes on our phone. A lot of people didn`t come, but we accompanied Hna. Sonia. Her husband, Ernest, is still in the Hospital but her sister from Santiago is visiting, as well as her granddaughter, who are both non-members. The activity was a great success! Lots of people were there! Even Robin and Bilha managed to bring Bilha`s mom. Chile really knows how to party. The flag was hanging up, and mini ones were strewn all around the little cultural hall. It just looed so festive. I played ping pong for a while (the churches don`t here don`t have basketball hoops, they have ping pong tables), before the dances started. The dances are different here. They tell a story. The national dance of Chile is about the man chasing the girl and getting rejected until she accepts him. They have another one where the men dance around the flag. Elder Barajas and I had to do it with another guy. I thought I messed up, but I got about 5 compliments on my "zapatillo"--a stoping part of the dance. The compliments were all specifically that. After we walked home, we realized we had left the keys in the Chapel. So we walked all the way back. (This morning, I put on a song that I like, and Barajas doesn`t--but we both dance to. So I danced in one room (the one with the ipod) and he danced on the other side of the hall, above the stairs. I turned around, and heard him throw something down. I went to get it and asked what it was. He said, "I don`t know, but you`re locke dout now." And he locked me out, and changed the song.)
Saturday: Today was the 18th of september, the independance day of Chile. It was also our day off (for reasons unknown). We enjoyed sleeping in without feeling guilty. Then we kinda just laid around the house for a while. That was something that was nice. Something I haven`t done in a while. We headed to the MIllahual`s first. Elder Barajas told me that if a house isn`t decorated, the police will give them a ticket. They just need something little...even a sticker. In the short space between their house and ours, we counted seven houses without decorations. Busted! When we came over in our pday clothes, everybody`s eyes bulged and they said we looked weird. Fernanda, especially, kept bugging me and saying I was really skinny and almost anorexic. We helped prepare the food. Fernanda said she had to teach me how to wash the chives right (she did exactly the same thing), but when we started peeling the hard-boiled eggs, I was going 3x faster than anyone else. We helped prepare emenadas filled with beef, olives, cheese, and egg. mmmm. We relaxed for a while, and I told them I wanted to return after the mission. They said they`d let me stay there. Sweet. We went to Cristina and Pedro-s next, just for a little while. We got to watch "Brother Bear" too. We ate some meat and various salads. For dessert, they served us juice. Barajas looked apprehensive, but didn`t say anything as I drank. It was good, but in addition to juice, it had a mediciney taste. I asked Elder Barajas if it was alright to drink. He never answered me, but had a pained expression. He didn`t say anything , so I took another sip. THEN he told me it had wine in it. I was really mad he hadn`t warned me. But I found out afterward that when I was asking was when he had taken his own sip and didn`t know whether to spit out and offend them, or swallow and sin. We both repented immediately. It irked me because Pedro told us he wanted to baptize Cristina. Unless he talks to the Bishop, he can`t. I don`t think he`s repentant. He`s already a member, just inactive. I felt proud when Cristina and her mom didn`t drink. It was just Pedro. I feel sad for him. But I felt happy when we got to Robin and Bilha`s, and they asked us to bless their daughter with Health. And we know Robin`s going to have the Melquisidec priesthood in a year. They`re going to do baptisms for the dead next month!
Sunday: today was the day after the national Holiday where everyone gets drunk. So the streets were almost completely dead. We walked to church with Robin, and I was grateful for his friendship `cause he`s just so cool. I had an interesting moment of self-reflection. Elder Barajas always has been able to provide for himself, and as a result, he`s able to withstand harder challenges taht come into his life. I can SURVIVE with my life. NOthing`s ever been too hard for me. Not that any of that is credited to me. I`ve never really pushed myself in anything. And spiritually speaking, I haven`t hgone near anything that would give me the resistance I needed to strengthen my muscles and exercise agency. All of this came to me when Elder Barajas asked me, "Why don`t you ever waalk in the mud?" In response, I replied, "The grass is always cleaner." To me, it sounded like some cheesy line my seminary teacher would use, or something an apostle would say in an analogy, so I made contrasts. And really, if we stay away from the filthy mud in our lives, not only will our spiritual shoes stay clean, but we`ll be able to enjoy the beauty of the beautiful green grass of the gospel. If we repel swearing, drugs, friends who are bad influences, and anything bad, nothing will surround us but clean happiness. Alan told me about king Josea who threw out all the idols from the temple, and the word of god was the only thing that`s left. We can literally do that with our lives! Everyone at my work would always make fun or tease me because I had never lived out of Utah, and I was sheltered. I would always feel a little hurt because they implied weakness. It wasn`t! I was sheltered and strengthened in the Gospel, and surrounded by people of the same religion. My mockers were LDSA too, so I don`t know why they were complaining about their "clean" surroundings. I`m thankful I could have been raised in the gospel. Pedro talked to the Bishop, and after church we did a few visits. Nothing too big. Then we ended the night with our weekly sopaipillas with Robin and Bilha.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Monday: We had lunch, before coming home and cleaning. The president an his wife are coming on thursday, to inspect the house,because we`re going to try and move into a new one. We met with the millahual`s, and Fernanda assured me that there have been many missionaries who though they would never be noticed, and are married now. It just made sense! My time hasn`t come yet! There`s a TIME I`ll meet a girl and date her. It`s always supposed to be after the mission. There was never supposed to be anything before the mission! I didn`t mess up. It`s that I wasn`t wanted. My "appointment" hasn`t come yet! It finally clicked after all these years! Heavenly Father gave me an answer of peace and knowledge.
Tuesday: We got up this morning and discovered we were completely out of gas and had to go without showers. Well, everyone else did. I took an ice shower which I regretted immensely. Especially when I was towelling off, and shivering the whole time. I don`t remember getting warm before we left for our Distrizona meeting. I got to give the lesson to our district on how to develop faith to find people. But I got distracted and gave tips on how to od better contacts. Something that I`ve seen Elder Barajas do, is just say, "how are you," make small talk, and say, "You should come to church." They will never come! And not just because there`s a different church every 40 feet, and that is no lie. I told everyone to teach when they contact. The most powerful thing we have, besides pure doctrine, is our testimonies. People want to knowhow our message has changed our lives. We didn`t have lunch planned for us today, so we went shopping! Yay! We got fixin`s for some delicious hamburgers and headed home. I also got shooting star cereal. After some initial trouble with lighting the stove, we made lunch, and enjoyed it heartily. We met up with the Zone leaders, and got our agendas that we should have had last week. We had fun being able to plan again. We also discovered an extra $10,000 ($20) in our accounts at an ATM. So that was swell. We did contacts for a while, and visited Pedro and Christina. They`re living togethe. He`s a member, and doesn`t want to get married. She wants to be married and baptized. We`re, therefore, rooting for her. But tonight turned out to be a social visit, andnothing more. But we were told that they`re going to get married "soon." Just like Joel. "soon" is the same thing as "someday" which doesn`t exist. People like that aren`t going to commit to anything. We visited Robin and Bilha afterward. Things are going really well for them. I love how happy they always are. I`ve definitely felt calm today. My heartfeels more at peace that it has in a long time. No more wishing for things to be different. Everything`s as it shouldbe. It always has been! I wish (<--- haha) I could have seen it sooner. But that hsould have happened too. It`s so interesting to imagine that. And that evrything is for our good. wow. (We bought soap that, instead of saying, "for hands", said, "for touchers." I laughed so hard.)
Wednesday: So I had TWO horrible dreams last night. The first one was basedoff an actual experience I had before I turned in my mission papers. I have feared my mission my whole life. I really have! It`s been kind of like death to my adolescent mind: the end of relationships, the end of friends, and the en of my family. It was always just...looming ahead of me. i woke up one day, and though I was on my mission and just felt utterly terrified and lost. But then I realized I was in my bed, and started to cry, I was that scared of my mission. Today (lastnight) I had a dream where I realized that there has been a sort of progression in my mission. Hoe to MTC, MTC to field, and in my dream there was some other step that I can`t remember. I think I went to Russia, and we didn`t have companions. So I got the same horror in my stomach andwas too scaredto more in my dream.Then I woke up feeling like I was going on my mission soon. Like all thishad been for nothing. Then I had another dream where Ilost SOME of my teeth. That one has been recurring. I hate that! It`s one of my worst fears. We did contacts for a while before visiting Teresa. We finally met her husband, Jorge. He`s cool, but not very religious. We`ll see. We came back, for lunch, It was take-out from Hna. Espinoza, so we got to eat atthe house. I wrote letters t some of my friends. Elder Barajaswrote a letter to a girl that used to work with him. How did we have so much time, you ask. well, he has "churrete" which translates to "squirts". haha. We had to stay near a toilet until he felt better. We did more contacts before visiting the Acuñas. We visited for a while, and played UNO. After that, we went to the Millahuals. We entered into a sober atmosphere. Minina, the cat who has stolen my heart, got hit by a car. But she didn`t die. Oh no. Her right lip was torn up and her eye was dangling out, soaking her face in blood. Papà Joel cleaned her upa nd put her in a box to take to the Vet. tomorrow. When Camila saw minina, she didn`t want to bring her in. But afterward, she felt like it was her fault. I never wanted to be off my mission so much as tonight. I just wanted to give them all hugs. Camila`s just like my little Cassie(sister). I just wanted to be her big brother and hold her while she cried.
Thursday: We woke up this morning, and I told Elder Barajas to talk to me, to keep me awake. He announced that today was the exact one-year mark of his mission. We were listening to his ipod to a song saying, "the end is just a beginning" or something. He said time was going too fast, and that he didn`t want to go. Life is always busy, differet, and fun. Maybe my wife and I can come here for a vacation. I got a picture of the ocean that Elder Barajas took. It`s gorgeous. We gopt up and I did my pushies and my sitties and my stretchies before joining Elder barajas in our study room. He was writing letters to some of his friends. At least he did after a while. So i busted out my notebook and wrote a letter to Alan. I miss that kid so much. I`m forgetting a lot of our inside jokes. Good thing most of them came fromSpongebob, and we can watch that afterwards. I toldhim of things that have been going on. I told him how thankful I was for his friendship. We never spoke about our friendship out loud. We never had to. He was the only one I didn`t need to say anything to about how I felt. He had alwasy known how I felt, and, in hard times, what I needed. We could sit in silence forever, and not feel awkward. He`s my bestest best friend. So we wrote our letters, and left to send them off. Elder Barajas found he DVD`s of pictures and we had to print some of those of too. The printing took an hour longer than we thought, and we barely made it to lunch on time. Actually, we were 20 minutes. late. :P So we had to eat quickly. We came home, and Elder Barajas showered while I took a nap. We headed into the rain with our laundry, and hustled through the mud to deliver it. We headed to pedro and cristina`s to visit. There was a party tonight for stake conference, but we couldn`t go without an investigator, and all of ours were ascared of the rain. So we had mate and sopaipillas with pedro and cristina. Then we found out our meeting got concelled, and headed to the millahuals. Minina`s going to have her eye removed tomorrow. We met with the branch pres. of Lautauro and went to the hospital to give a brother a blessing, who had broken his wrist.
Friday: Today, as a whole, came as a complete shock to our tired minds at 11:00 because everyone had forgotten to set the alarms. So we hustled to get our clothes on before heading into the continuing rain. Th first thing we did, was get a ticket for Elder Barajas to go to Los Angeles(chile version) on monday for training. I`ll stay here with the comp. opf anothe rdistrict leader who has had less time than me! I will meet up with him at 6:15 in the morning, and then we`ll party `til we`re purple on our pday. Maybe not. When we got back from the terminal, we did some contacts, and checked up with some old investigators to see if we can help them. We had lunch with Hna. Sara before heading over to the millahuals to help osvaldo with his english homework. But we were dismayed to find mamà Maite worried again. She was concerned that every time their friends needed help, she and her husband were always there to help. But when Maite needs help or comfort, nobody comes to help. At first, she was just telling us what was on her mind, but then she REALLY let loose. She went from sad to angry in 3.2...as it were. The funny/sad part is that she`s one of those people who finds one thing they`re passionate about, and say the same thing 7 different ways. She ranted about how everybody else was wrong, and needed to change. She even named a few people...like the bishop. Elder barajas and I just felt the spirit leave, and felt miserable. He doesn`t know how to helop depressed people, and I couldn`t speak. It`s not that I don`t know how, but she just sopoke so fast. the Chileans don`t have social niceties such as "not interrupting while others are talking." You have to say it in one go, or you lose your turn. So I got frustrated (angry) and stewed while she started with her family. Eventually, she and her husband left to do errands. We made brownies for her and I wrote a letter of comfort to her using the revelation I had Monday (everything is as it should be). Something I realized I missed more than technology is reading just for fun. The adventures I`ve had in books have been amazing. I miss it. Ialso realized 2 years is longer than any missionary (or any of his friends and loved ones) realizes. I`ll be here for a while. I can`t imagine the things I will yet encounter.
Saturday: So today was fairly interesting. We woke up, all ready to go play soccer, but found Stake conference had caused us to cancel our own event, which was both inconvenient...and awkward. But as we were walking by this lady`s house, she totally sicked her gimpy, 3-legged (one broken), german shephard on us. But this wasn`t just any gimpy german shephard. It was gimpy because of another missionary the lady had sicked him on. Elder Barajas had told me that story when I first got here. It`s never so much as growled at us, although Elder Barajas assures me it hates missionaries. Today I found out it was actually the owner. So we were walking by, the dog was sleeping, and the lady yelled, "¡Atacalos!" the dog woke up and leapt at my elbow! I jumped back, and did a double-fisted slam into it`s head. It hurt, but Iwasn`t done. I decided to discourage it by giving it a kick in the ribs. I think I broke 2 or 3. But after that, we high-tailed it out of there. we got elder barajas`s refund from the bus, because his trining won`t be for another week. When we got back, we showered. Elder barajas went first, and I asked him if the slug that had previously been on the shower curtain was sill there. he said he didn`t see any. I looked anyway, and found 3! I aked Elder barajas to help me get rid of them. He called me a tool and baby, and told me to do it mytself. It as with love, of course. So Igot some toilet paper and did what a man (like myself) had to do. The rest of our day was spent at Stake conference. We were surprised to find president there. He`s so cool. He taught us, and I could understand his spanish and his lesson. He asked the congregation, which consisted of Priesthood leaders, who was a convert. Almost everyone raised their hand. Then I realized how important missionary work is. wow! Afterward, I saw some sister missionaries talking to Pres. and they hugged him. He hugged them back, as only a father could. I could just see it in the the way he held them gently. Hna. Swnson told me neither of the sisters have fathers, and that Pres. had become theif "father" for them. I wanted a hug really badly, right then. I started cryng because I was being spoiled again. Hna. Swenson tol dme that new missionaries all have something to let go of, and after, they just seem so...function better. What can I lose?(When Alan and I were younger, we were asked to teach in front of the young men and young women as "What missionaries shouldn`t do." We related the restoration to a popsicle. Today i found out that one of the reasons Elder Barajas got baptized, was because of the fun lessons, including popsicles! haha!)
Sunday: We got up, and readied ourselves for our second session of stake conference. We called Teresa and cristina but neither of them answered. We walked to robin and bilha`s house, to help them to church, but they called us when we were close and said they were gone for the day. So we went to the stake center alone. We got there, and said "hi" to President & sister swenson. I looked out across the congregation for 15 min. (elder Barajas had to play piano, and we sat in front) searching for one of our investigators who might have arrived. none did. We listened to the messages given, and I wrote a song about the Atonement. Afterwards, all the missionaries got to talk together, and just talk. Elder Hawker, our zone leader, is super cool. He`s always smiling and praising people. He falls me good, as the Chileans would say. Elder Barajas introduced me to some families around the stake, especially from Lautauro, his "birth" sector. We talked for a long time, and got to lunch a little late. But hna. Billit is rially cool. We had eggs and mashed potatoes. The mashed potatoes tasted like...thanksgiving. We even watched a documentary on history channel during lunch. It was really interesting. Then we went to the millahuals, to check on them as well as minina. She was sleeping in her spot under the stove. They had removed the eye, and all was well. We enjoyed a fewminutes with them, before we headed off to catch the bus for Lautauro. We`re spending our pday with the memberes here, tommorrow. I`m here righty now. We got to spend the firsthour with Pres. Jimenes and his family. They`re soooo cool and nice! He gives great big hug,s even though he`s about 5`7". His wife said my spanish is relaly impressive for only 2 months (can you believe it?!) We got to know each other before we got dropped off at the missionary house. But we visited another family, Elder Barajas`s favorite in the whole mission, the family Pinchaita. They`re two younguns with two baby boys. They`re super nice.
On Mon, Aug 23, 2010 at 8:37 PM, Brigham Merrell wrote:
I love you mommy! I love you! I love you! I love you! things are going great here, and I think about you all the time! I tell my investigators about your stallward example when you had your trials. You have always been an example to me. I sent you a happy birthday card. I guess it never got there. Stupid mail. Where the heck is woodland hills? Thanks for sending me Alan`s address. I`m glad you all had fun with lindsay. She sent me some fun pictures. It looks like Dev`s getting all long and lanky! I didn`t recognize him in one of his pictures!
Moday: Whenever I start these entries, I pause and consider not only what happened that day, but also how I felt. And then I record both. Today was very emotional and not much happened. So this entry will pretty much be full of feelings. We woke up and went to do internet. Cassie had written me two emails. One as a response to the email, and the other was a response to my letter I sent two weeks ago. She asked me if I had liked her right before my mission. I told her the truth: That I wanted to know that very same thing. I`ve mused about my feelings about her before, but I`m still not sure. I think that`s my answer. If I had feelings, I`ve fairly sure I would be pretty definite. But I just don`t know. I turned the tables, and asked her why she had wanted to cuddle and fall asleep on me on purpose. I hope I don`t scare her away. I`m trying to figure myself out too. But I`m afraid. If I like her, I`ll have a horrible mission, being away from her, instead of being here and liking it. If I don`t like her...what do I lose? I feel like I`d lose something if I didn`t like her. Or love her. But these are the consequences of not bieng in the same country of those you care about. The emotional part of my day started at the millahual`s. I thought of a time when I was sad, and Kayla drove over and we sat in my car and talked and I felt scared to lose her(Actually, I was sad because of her, just so you know). But I did. I wasn`t what she wanted. I wanted to have someone to rescue me, and accept me, and love me for once. Cassie might have felt that way at one point, but her standards prevented her from acting on it. She was stronger than me. So tonight, I felt like I I have yet to have someone be there for me, in a loving way. My mission has always been in my future, an ever-present ender of things. I`m feeling so unprepared, emotionally, for trials in my love life. I just want to find someone for me. That`s all I`ve ever wanted to have. And it`s the only thing I`ve never gotten. Maybe that`s what I need to learn on my mission. Grattitude, and living in the moment. Because when I pause to consider what`s happening, it`s great! I also looked at my picture of mommy and Daddy for almost 5 min. I miss their hugs. I miss them telling me everything`s going to be alright. I miss being able to help Daddy. I miss crying with him and mommy. I miss Mommy´s laugh. I miss sitting with Daddy in Priesthood. I miss being their little briggy boy. I miss him tucking me in. I miss running to Daddy when I was scared. I miss going for drives with Mommy. Just for fun But I`ll go on as normal. I just need to cry a little.
Tuesday: We woke up this morning and did a massive cleaning of our house. Actually just our stuff. We were tired of cleaning up the other two`s mess. But our study room was put in order quickly enough. We then read from Preach my gospel until lunch. We had a lot to catch up on. But we had a fun time with it. Elder Herrera forgot his orange cream oreos (weird, I know) here, and I had some milk that needed to be drunk pretty soon. I`ll leave it up to your imagination to figure out what we did. :) Also, I thought it would be fun to randomly start laughing while Elder Barajas was reading, so HE would start laughing. It worked with tremendous success, because (1) he has a quiet laugh (2) he had a stuffed nose. We both agreed he sounded like a very happy dog. We had lunch with Hna. veronica. Soup, as always. We secured our clean clothes and crossed our little bridge, and hopped across the stones in our little marshland to our home. We took time to put our clothes away and keep our room clean. I got ready to take a shower, and came downstairs to do just that. But as I got off the staircase, in just my towel, I realized that Elder Rodriguez had returned from the terminal with his new companion, Elder Garcia, from El Salvador. I acted like I wasn`t embarrassed (`cause I wasn`t), and carried on with bisiness. We planned our day on a notecard, becuase we won`t get next transfer`s agenda `til tomorrow, and then headed out to do contacts. After the miserable time in thte windy, freezing rain, we visited Hna. Ema. She makes really good food when we come over. We finished up with a visit to Robin and Bilha. He`s been working ages to try and find a wifi hacker for his laptop. He found one last week. He`s relaly tech savvy. But he got a new charger today, and it totally burned his new laptop! It was about 2 weeks old! But he just broke out his trusty soddering gun and motherboard, and went to work. I`m feeling a lot better than I did last night. A lot less homesick. I`m trying to refocus and work hard. I know there will be times in the future when my strength wavers, but I`ve got friends to help me out. And I know the lord is walking with me. The place where I am, is on the other side of the world than the United States. 2 years of isolation here, and then returning will be weird. Lots will change. Technology, people. Lots. Devin will probably be my height, and skinny. Maybe we can play together. Yes. That sounds like a plan.
Wednesday: We started out the day with our Distrizona meeting. I`m officially not the newest! Elder Deleon, the brother of the visiting missionary from Friday is in our zone, along with another newbie. They just had a blank stare through the meeting. I know that look very well. I just wanted to help and teach them. I can`t wait to be a trainer. Elder Barajas` district consists of Querihue, which is pretty much the two other Elders we live with. After that, we went to go grocery shopping. I got some Axe and Brut shaving cream. Brut was my very first "daddy smells" and every time I smell it, I think of the Christmas when I got it. I love remembering that. I remember going downstairs in our P.G. house, and seeing it all lit up, with Mom and Dad smiling the whole time we opened presents. Thinking of Christmases, I remember, now, my worst one, when I woke up and mom was in the hospital. Daddy said we should open our presents, `cause he wasn`t sure if mommy was going to come home. That year we didn`t have many presents, and I started crying, because I was embarrassed that I wanted more. Not because I was lacking, but because I realized I THOUGHT I was lacking. That was when I decided to start being grateful and selfless in my life. Or, at least, moreso. After doing contacts for a while, we visited Renato. as a student of Tae kwon doe, and having missionaries through his house for 15 years, he likes deep thinking. We talked deep doctrine for a bit before he showed us something cool. He took out a tool that measures voltage. He stuck it on our skin. His and Elder Barajas` were 220 and 200 (in some measurement). Mine was 40. He said that the higher the number, the happier the person. 150 is normal. I don`t know what I had been thinking. But after, we tried controlling our thoughts. This time 25 was normal. I got up to 60. Elder Barajas got 51. Renato didn`t try. My happy thought was writing Cassie, and Daddy telling me he was proud of me. Thn we tried sad. Elder Barajas got 11, and I got 7. I thought of never being good enough for anyone. I know it`s silly to keep having these thoughts, but it is honestly how I feel. We finished up by visiting Robin and Bilha, then the Millahuals. Hna. Maite got an answer of what to do with Osvaldo, who is bipolar they found out, and felt peaceful. While Elder Barajas was with the others, I spent some time in the scriptures, helping her understand why God gives us trials. (2 Nephi 2)
Thursday: I got up this morning, noting, briefly, that it was uncomfortably cold. So I waited in my bed for the shower to be available. As it turned off, I dropped myself out of bed, reluctant to leave what little warmth I had accumulated, when out of the blue, Elder Garcia, this fat hulking giant, suddenly opened his eyes, leapt from his top bunk, and flew into the bathroom before I could say, "Great Odin`s raven, what`s up with all the Hulaballoo?!" Elder Barajas had just finished, and was ascending the stairs to our room in his towel. He usually has the heater going, so, in my newly-awoken, shivering self, I trailede behind him, desperate for warmth. But we found out that Elder Rodriguez had stolen it during Elder Barajas` shower. I chilled in Rodriguez`s room, and read a book called, "How to be an extra-ordinary missionary" by John Bytheway. I found myself feeling quite happy with the work I`ve been doing. Our ceiling has boards supporting the upstairs that make a great plaid pattern. When we stand on the bottom of the stairs, I can grab the 2nd story floor. So I started hanging and swung my feet forward and wedged myself in between the ceiling boards. I said, "I`m roofed in between the wedge, and it hurts!" (Because the grip was sharp wood) And then dropped down. Elder Barajas started laughing at the mix-up and the hilarity. He even blew a not bubble, and then we both laughed forever. Then we had cookies and milk. We went contacting, and Elder Barajas said I was in charge. I said a prayer, and tried to pay attention to the promptings of the Spirit. I thought I had it a couple times, but we were rejedcted. I felt sad. Really sad. Like my chest hurt. We turned right, and the pain stopped. I turned back, to face the house I had been facing, and the same heated pressure returned. I got excited when I approached the door, `cause I heard a TV. Someone was home! I knocked softly with no answer. I was afraid. What if I couldn`t understand them? What if they rejected me too? We went to the next house, but I kept thinkin of the house. I told Elder Barajs we should go back. As we approached, I felt like I did after bearing my testimony when I was little, overcome with emotion and about to cry (don`t question it, it`s just who I am!). It was weird. I was trying to hold it in, and told Elder Barajas about my fear. He read D&C 84:88 "I am with thee always, on your left and on your right." and Moroni 8:16"I speak with boldness, having authority from God; and I fear not what man can do; for perfect love casteth out all fear." All of my pressure of fear and crying was moved, it seemed, to my skin as a radiating heat. I bore powerful testimony and he said he didn`t have time, but that we could come back later. I found one other lady in a similar manner. I`m doing it! (I told Elder Barajas what I told Cassie in the MTC: That I feel like another face in a suit. Same here, with thte members. He told me I`m not just a face in a suit to the people I promised to save in the preexistence.
Friday: Today wasn`t nearly so spiritual as it was emotional, and that was only within the last half-hour.I watched "charly" on Elder Barajas`s ipod. It was a love story where a girl found the gospel and it changed her life. They loved each other so much and married in the teample, and sealed for eternity. It had never hit me, the joy of this message. I cried so much when the husband found out she had cancer. He prayed to Heavenly FAther. I got chills when he said the same words that I uttered when mommy had cancer, "I`m scared." Words cannot describe how I felt when I said that. Saying, "I`m scared" aloud is something that makes it seem more fi9rm in your mind. Like the thing you`re afraid of becomes more of a reality. I think that was the day I first got my testimony. Because by the end of my prayer, I felt better. Calm er. I`m not afraid of dying. I`ve alwasy been afraid of losing my loved ones. I remember when I was about 5, my mom told me that she was going to die. She meant it in the sense of "eventually", but I was terrified. I wanted to spend every minute with her. I was scared to be alone. I`m alone now, as I write this. I want a hug. I want love. I want someone to love. I want someone to hold onto forever. I want to get married in the temple. I want to live worthily. I want to help others. I want to be the "someone" people come to for safety and comfort. I want to feel safe always. I want to preach the Gospel to the world, and tell them they don`t have to be alone! They can know that they have a Heavenly Father who loves them just like he loves me! I love my Savior so much for the blessings in my life, and for the people that love me. Every tear that falls right now is a spiritual gift from them, and the influence they`ve had on me. I`m grateful for my mission, for the privelage I have to leave my family for a little while, so other families can be together forever. It may be difficult at times (like when I thought of Cassie this afternoon), but tonight was a reminder of why I`m here, and I`m so thankful for it.
Saturday: We got up today to a foggy day, full of cold. But we dutifully headed out in our soccer clothes to pick up our investigators for our weekly game. Actually, we had 6 new people come today. One of them, specifically, caught my attention. He`s name is Jordan (He has an older brother named Michael) who is 16 years old. When he runs with the ball, it just looks so graceful. And his kicks pack a whallop. When I was goalie, I blocked a shot with my SHOE and it hurt. After that, I didn`t want to be goalie. And when I was playing offense and he was guarding me, he would say things like "boo" or "Ah!" thinking he was intimidating. He`s a great guy,m and I love him, but when he kept rubbing in how much better he was than me, I felt like I was back in High School and had to prove myself to others. I was still bad at soccer, and couldn`t really do anything. I got frustrated with myself, and felt sad when he kept laughing at me. I had prideful thoughts, that I wasn`t good enough. Or that if we were in a pool, I`d show HIM. I just couldn`t help but compare myself to him. It was bad because I`m competetive, and he`s good. I felt so disappointed afterward that I had let myselft down. I thought I had become comfortable with who I am, but I`ve just been able to hold "it" in and be more patient. Which is good, but I need to be able to not compare myself to others. I am who God wants me to be, and worrying doesn`t do any good to anyone. After soccer, I had my heart`s desire of bread and avocado for lunchy. We also made rice, soaked in chicken broth. I had a lot more sandwiches than delicious rice. After lunch, we got a bunch of potatoes ready, and carried them over to a family in the other ward. I cleaned and peeled them for an hour before we started frying them. Elder Barajas and I had another appointment, so we got to eat first, before we left. We met up with Juan, a ward missionary, and went to FHE with Hna. Ema`s and her hubby were joined with some non-members who were a little antagonistic. So it was a little less productive than usual. Then we visited Guido`s family. He wasn`t there, but his sisters were. One`s 19 and pregnant (Every girl about my age has already had at least one baby. weird), and the other had her 18th birthday today. We finished the night, teaching Juan english.
Sunday: We woke up today with enough time to get everything done. We readied ourselves, and called Teresa. She told us she would have to stay home again. Out of all the rotten sundays, the one good one was the one that her mom decided to go visit someone. Lame. She said she had to stay home with her kids as a result. We went to María Soledad`s (A new investigator that seems a bit slow) house to pick her up. Her cell phone was turned off, and her gate was locked. So she didn`t come to church. we went to church, and were having a grand old time until they came up to us in the middle of a talk, and asked us to do a special musical number. The choral leader practiced with us outside for one verse, before we went back in, and sang hymn #1 in front of everyone...a capella. It was fine exept where the hymn tries to join two words with one syllable. It`s dumb. And then Elder Barajas started laughin the last verse, and my butterflies in my stomach made me start laughing. We`re going to make a list of 100 things we learned on the mission. #1 is "improvised musical numbers never work out well." As we were heading, red-faced, back to our seats. Guess whose face we saw smiling out of the congregation? Teresa! She had come, after all! And she had brought her husband, who happened to be home from work today. But she left after sacrament meeting. At least she got to make a few friends. We had lunch with Robing and Bilha. We had mashed potatoes with horse. There was also steamed carrots and onions too. After that, we were deprived of any energy we might have had, by the power and effects of a food coma. So we had ourselfes a tuto (nap). We were revived, and went to the Millahual`s. Osvaldo has had a 40-degree C fever since Friday, and has been very sick because of it. I got to help Octavio with his iPhone, and even read some things afterward. I read the first two pages of a book by Jim Butcher, the same author as the Dresden Files, and felt that I`m not going to write my book. The quality is totally horrible in comparison. More like a joke. I`ll just be happy with "Dragon Knight". I also read some talks by Elder Holland. Then we ate sopaipillas with Robin and Bilha, and watched 30 minutes of "avatar" while doing so. Then we came home and planned this next week`s goals, after reporting our #`s to the zone leaders.
P.S. Elder Barajas found out at 1:30 in the morning that we were both still awake. So we talked and even did literate exercises. We wrote about love. We wrote about heartache. We talked with each other about those that we love and have loved. We went to bed at 5:00 this morning. I wonder why I was so excited, that I couldn`t sleep?
I love you all so much. Please know that I love you, and think about you all the time! Just think: I get to call you in 4 months! that`s only a third of a year! It`s flying for me. I`ve almost been in the field as long as I`ve been in the MTC. woot!
Tuesday: We got up this morning and discovered we were completely out of gas and had to go without showers. Well, everyone else did. I took an ice shower which I regretted immensely. Especially when I was towelling off, and shivering the whole time. I don`t remember getting warm before we left for our Distrizona meeting. I got to give the lesson to our district on how to develop faith to find people. But I got distracted and gave tips on how to od better contacts. Something that I`ve seen Elder Barajas do, is just say, "how are you," make small talk, and say, "You should come to church." They will never come! And not just because there`s a different church every 40 feet, and that is no lie. I told everyone to teach when they contact. The most powerful thing we have, besides pure doctrine, is our testimonies. People want to knowhow our message has changed our lives. We didn`t have lunch planned for us today, so we went shopping! Yay! We got fixin`s for some delicious hamburgers and headed home. I also got shooting star cereal. After some initial trouble with lighting the stove, we made lunch, and enjoyed it heartily. We met up with the Zone leaders, and got our agendas that we should have had last week. We had fun being able to plan again. We also discovered an extra $10,000 ($20) in our accounts at an ATM. So that was swell. We did contacts for a while, and visited Pedro and Christina. They`re living togethe. He`s a member, and doesn`t want to get married. She wants to be married and baptized. We`re, therefore, rooting for her. But tonight turned out to be a social visit, andnothing more. But we were told that they`re going to get married "soon." Just like Joel. "soon" is the same thing as "someday" which doesn`t exist. People like that aren`t going to commit to anything. We visited Robin and Bilha afterward. Things are going really well for them. I love how happy they always are. I`ve definitely felt calm today. My heartfeels more at peace that it has in a long time. No more wishing for things to be different. Everything`s as it shouldbe. It always has been! I wish (<--- haha) I could have seen it sooner. But that hsould have happened too. It`s so interesting to imagine that. And that evrything is for our good. wow. (We bought soap that, instead of saying, "for hands", said, "for touchers." I laughed so hard.)
Wednesday: So I had TWO horrible dreams last night. The first one was basedoff an actual experience I had before I turned in my mission papers. I have feared my mission my whole life. I really have! It`s been kind of like death to my adolescent mind: the end of relationships, the end of friends, and the en of my family. It was always just...looming ahead of me. i woke up one day, and though I was on my mission and just felt utterly terrified and lost. But then I realized I was in my bed, and started to cry, I was that scared of my mission. Today (lastnight) I had a dream where I realized that there has been a sort of progression in my mission. Hoe to MTC, MTC to field, and in my dream there was some other step that I can`t remember. I think I went to Russia, and we didn`t have companions. So I got the same horror in my stomach andwas too scaredto more in my dream.Then I woke up feeling like I was going on my mission soon. Like all thishad been for nothing. Then I had another dream where Ilost SOME of my teeth. That one has been recurring. I hate that! It`s one of my worst fears. We did contacts for a while before visiting Teresa. We finally met her husband, Jorge. He`s cool, but not very religious. We`ll see. We came back, for lunch, It was take-out from Hna. Espinoza, so we got to eat atthe house. I wrote letters t some of my friends. Elder Barajaswrote a letter to a girl that used to work with him. How did we have so much time, you ask. well, he has "churrete" which translates to "squirts". haha. We had to stay near a toilet until he felt better. We did more contacts before visiting the Acuñas. We visited for a while, and played UNO. After that, we went to the Millahuals. We entered into a sober atmosphere. Minina, the cat who has stolen my heart, got hit by a car. But she didn`t die. Oh no. Her right lip was torn up and her eye was dangling out, soaking her face in blood. Papà Joel cleaned her upa nd put her in a box to take to the Vet. tomorrow. When Camila saw minina, she didn`t want to bring her in. But afterward, she felt like it was her fault. I never wanted to be off my mission so much as tonight. I just wanted to give them all hugs. Camila`s just like my little Cassie(sister). I just wanted to be her big brother and hold her while she cried.
Thursday: We woke up this morning, and I told Elder Barajas to talk to me, to keep me awake. He announced that today was the exact one-year mark of his mission. We were listening to his ipod to a song saying, "the end is just a beginning" or something. He said time was going too fast, and that he didn`t want to go. Life is always busy, differet, and fun. Maybe my wife and I can come here for a vacation. I got a picture of the ocean that Elder Barajas took. It`s gorgeous. We gopt up and I did my pushies and my sitties and my stretchies before joining Elder barajas in our study room. He was writing letters to some of his friends. At least he did after a while. So i busted out my notebook and wrote a letter to Alan. I miss that kid so much. I`m forgetting a lot of our inside jokes. Good thing most of them came fromSpongebob, and we can watch that afterwards. I toldhim of things that have been going on. I told him how thankful I was for his friendship. We never spoke about our friendship out loud. We never had to. He was the only one I didn`t need to say anything to about how I felt. He had alwasy known how I felt, and, in hard times, what I needed. We could sit in silence forever, and not feel awkward. He`s my bestest best friend. So we wrote our letters, and left to send them off. Elder Barajas found he DVD`s of pictures and we had to print some of those of too. The printing took an hour longer than we thought, and we barely made it to lunch on time. Actually, we were 20 minutes. late. :P So we had to eat quickly. We came home, and Elder Barajas showered while I took a nap. We headed into the rain with our laundry, and hustled through the mud to deliver it. We headed to pedro and cristina`s to visit. There was a party tonight for stake conference, but we couldn`t go without an investigator, and all of ours were ascared of the rain. So we had mate and sopaipillas with pedro and cristina. Then we found out our meeting got concelled, and headed to the millahuals. Minina`s going to have her eye removed tomorrow. We met with the branch pres. of Lautauro and went to the hospital to give a brother a blessing, who had broken his wrist.
Friday: Today, as a whole, came as a complete shock to our tired minds at 11:00 because everyone had forgotten to set the alarms. So we hustled to get our clothes on before heading into the continuing rain. Th first thing we did, was get a ticket for Elder Barajas to go to Los Angeles(chile version) on monday for training. I`ll stay here with the comp. opf anothe rdistrict leader who has had less time than me! I will meet up with him at 6:15 in the morning, and then we`ll party `til we`re purple on our pday. Maybe not. When we got back from the terminal, we did some contacts, and checked up with some old investigators to see if we can help them. We had lunch with Hna. Sara before heading over to the millahuals to help osvaldo with his english homework. But we were dismayed to find mamà Maite worried again. She was concerned that every time their friends needed help, she and her husband were always there to help. But when Maite needs help or comfort, nobody comes to help. At first, she was just telling us what was on her mind, but then she REALLY let loose. She went from sad to angry in 3.2...as it were. The funny/sad part is that she`s one of those people who finds one thing they`re passionate about, and say the same thing 7 different ways. She ranted about how everybody else was wrong, and needed to change. She even named a few people...like the bishop. Elder barajas and I just felt the spirit leave, and felt miserable. He doesn`t know how to helop depressed people, and I couldn`t speak. It`s not that I don`t know how, but she just sopoke so fast. the Chileans don`t have social niceties such as "not interrupting while others are talking." You have to say it in one go, or you lose your turn. So I got frustrated (angry) and stewed while she started with her family. Eventually, she and her husband left to do errands. We made brownies for her and I wrote a letter of comfort to her using the revelation I had Monday (everything is as it should be). Something I realized I missed more than technology is reading just for fun. The adventures I`ve had in books have been amazing. I miss it. Ialso realized 2 years is longer than any missionary (or any of his friends and loved ones) realizes. I`ll be here for a while. I can`t imagine the things I will yet encounter.
Saturday: So today was fairly interesting. We woke up, all ready to go play soccer, but found Stake conference had caused us to cancel our own event, which was both inconvenient...and awkward. But as we were walking by this lady`s house, she totally sicked her gimpy, 3-legged (one broken), german shephard on us. But this wasn`t just any gimpy german shephard. It was gimpy because of another missionary the lady had sicked him on. Elder Barajas had told me that story when I first got here. It`s never so much as growled at us, although Elder Barajas assures me it hates missionaries. Today I found out it was actually the owner. So we were walking by, the dog was sleeping, and the lady yelled, "¡Atacalos!" the dog woke up and leapt at my elbow! I jumped back, and did a double-fisted slam into it`s head. It hurt, but Iwasn`t done. I decided to discourage it by giving it a kick in the ribs. I think I broke 2 or 3. But after that, we high-tailed it out of there. we got elder barajas`s refund from the bus, because his trining won`t be for another week. When we got back, we showered. Elder barajas went first, and I asked him if the slug that had previously been on the shower curtain was sill there. he said he didn`t see any. I looked anyway, and found 3! I aked Elder barajas to help me get rid of them. He called me a tool and baby, and told me to do it mytself. It as with love, of course. So Igot some toilet paper and did what a man (like myself) had to do. The rest of our day was spent at Stake conference. We were surprised to find president there. He`s so cool. He taught us, and I could understand his spanish and his lesson. He asked the congregation, which consisted of Priesthood leaders, who was a convert. Almost everyone raised their hand. Then I realized how important missionary work is. wow! Afterward, I saw some sister missionaries talking to Pres. and they hugged him. He hugged them back, as only a father could. I could just see it in the the way he held them gently. Hna. Swnson told me neither of the sisters have fathers, and that Pres. had become theif "father" for them. I wanted a hug really badly, right then. I started cryng because I was being spoiled again. Hna. Swenson tol dme that new missionaries all have something to let go of, and after, they just seem so...function better. What can I lose?(When Alan and I were younger, we were asked to teach in front of the young men and young women as "What missionaries shouldn`t do." We related the restoration to a popsicle. Today i found out that one of the reasons Elder Barajas got baptized, was because of the fun lessons, including popsicles! haha!)
Sunday: We got up, and readied ourselves for our second session of stake conference. We called Teresa and cristina but neither of them answered. We walked to robin and bilha`s house, to help them to church, but they called us when we were close and said they were gone for the day. So we went to the stake center alone. We got there, and said "hi" to President & sister swenson. I looked out across the congregation for 15 min. (elder Barajas had to play piano, and we sat in front) searching for one of our investigators who might have arrived. none did. We listened to the messages given, and I wrote a song about the Atonement. Afterwards, all the missionaries got to talk together, and just talk. Elder Hawker, our zone leader, is super cool. He`s always smiling and praising people. He falls me good, as the Chileans would say. Elder Barajas introduced me to some families around the stake, especially from Lautauro, his "birth" sector. We talked for a long time, and got to lunch a little late. But hna. Billit is rially cool. We had eggs and mashed potatoes. The mashed potatoes tasted like...thanksgiving. We even watched a documentary on history channel during lunch. It was really interesting. Then we went to the millahuals, to check on them as well as minina. She was sleeping in her spot under the stove. They had removed the eye, and all was well. We enjoyed a fewminutes with them, before we headed off to catch the bus for Lautauro. We`re spending our pday with the memberes here, tommorrow. I`m here righty now. We got to spend the firsthour with Pres. Jimenes and his family. They`re soooo cool and nice! He gives great big hug,s even though he`s about 5`7". His wife said my spanish is relaly impressive for only 2 months (can you believe it?!) We got to know each other before we got dropped off at the missionary house. But we visited another family, Elder Barajas`s favorite in the whole mission, the family Pinchaita. They`re two younguns with two baby boys. They`re super nice.
On Mon, Aug 23, 2010 at 8:37 PM, Brigham Merrell
I love you mommy! I love you! I love you! I love you! things are going great here, and I think about you all the time! I tell my investigators about your stallward example when you had your trials. You have always been an example to me. I sent you a happy birthday card. I guess it never got there. Stupid mail. Where the heck is woodland hills? Thanks for sending me Alan`s address. I`m glad you all had fun with lindsay. She sent me some fun pictures. It looks like Dev`s getting all long and lanky! I didn`t recognize him in one of his pictures!
Moday: Whenever I start these entries, I pause and consider not only what happened that day, but also how I felt. And then I record both. Today was very emotional and not much happened. So this entry will pretty much be full of feelings. We woke up and went to do internet. Cassie had written me two emails. One as a response to the email, and the other was a response to my letter I sent two weeks ago. She asked me if I had liked her right before my mission. I told her the truth: That I wanted to know that very same thing. I`ve mused about my feelings about her before, but I`m still not sure. I think that`s my answer. If I had feelings, I`ve fairly sure I would be pretty definite. But I just don`t know. I turned the tables, and asked her why she had wanted to cuddle and fall asleep on me on purpose. I hope I don`t scare her away. I`m trying to figure myself out too. But I`m afraid. If I like her, I`ll have a horrible mission, being away from her, instead of being here and liking it. If I don`t like her...what do I lose? I feel like I`d lose something if I didn`t like her. Or love her. But these are the consequences of not bieng in the same country of those you care about. The emotional part of my day started at the millahual`s. I thought of a time when I was sad, and Kayla drove over and we sat in my car and talked and I felt scared to lose her(Actually, I was sad because of her, just so you know). But I did. I wasn`t what she wanted. I wanted to have someone to rescue me, and accept me, and love me for once. Cassie might have felt that way at one point, but her standards prevented her from acting on it. She was stronger than me. So tonight, I felt like I I have yet to have someone be there for me, in a loving way. My mission has always been in my future, an ever-present ender of things. I`m feeling so unprepared, emotionally, for trials in my love life. I just want to find someone for me. That`s all I`ve ever wanted to have. And it`s the only thing I`ve never gotten. Maybe that`s what I need to learn on my mission. Grattitude, and living in the moment. Because when I pause to consider what`s happening, it`s great! I also looked at my picture of mommy and Daddy for almost 5 min. I miss their hugs. I miss them telling me everything`s going to be alright. I miss being able to help Daddy. I miss crying with him and mommy. I miss Mommy´s laugh. I miss sitting with Daddy in Priesthood. I miss being their little briggy boy. I miss him tucking me in. I miss running to Daddy when I was scared. I miss going for drives with Mommy. Just for fun But I`ll go on as normal. I just need to cry a little.
Tuesday: We woke up this morning and did a massive cleaning of our house. Actually just our stuff. We were tired of cleaning up the other two`s mess. But our study room was put in order quickly enough. We then read from Preach my gospel until lunch. We had a lot to catch up on. But we had a fun time with it. Elder Herrera forgot his orange cream oreos (weird, I know) here, and I had some milk that needed to be drunk pretty soon. I`ll leave it up to your imagination to figure out what we did. :) Also, I thought it would be fun to randomly start laughing while Elder Barajas was reading, so HE would start laughing. It worked with tremendous success, because (1) he has a quiet laugh (2) he had a stuffed nose. We both agreed he sounded like a very happy dog. We had lunch with Hna. veronica. Soup, as always. We secured our clean clothes and crossed our little bridge, and hopped across the stones in our little marshland to our home. We took time to put our clothes away and keep our room clean. I got ready to take a shower, and came downstairs to do just that. But as I got off the staircase, in just my towel, I realized that Elder Rodriguez had returned from the terminal with his new companion, Elder Garcia, from El Salvador. I acted like I wasn`t embarrassed (`cause I wasn`t), and carried on with bisiness. We planned our day on a notecard, becuase we won`t get next transfer`s agenda `til tomorrow, and then headed out to do contacts. After the miserable time in thte windy, freezing rain, we visited Hna. Ema. She makes really good food when we come over. We finished up with a visit to Robin and Bilha. He`s been working ages to try and find a wifi hacker for his laptop. He found one last week. He`s relaly tech savvy. But he got a new charger today, and it totally burned his new laptop! It was about 2 weeks old! But he just broke out his trusty soddering gun and motherboard, and went to work. I`m feeling a lot better than I did last night. A lot less homesick. I`m trying to refocus and work hard. I know there will be times in the future when my strength wavers, but I`ve got friends to help me out. And I know the lord is walking with me. The place where I am, is on the other side of the world than the United States. 2 years of isolation here, and then returning will be weird. Lots will change. Technology, people. Lots. Devin will probably be my height, and skinny. Maybe we can play together. Yes. That sounds like a plan.
Wednesday: We started out the day with our Distrizona meeting. I`m officially not the newest! Elder Deleon, the brother of the visiting missionary from Friday is in our zone, along with another newbie. They just had a blank stare through the meeting. I know that look very well. I just wanted to help and teach them. I can`t wait to be a trainer. Elder Barajas` district consists of Querihue, which is pretty much the two other Elders we live with. After that, we went to go grocery shopping. I got some Axe and Brut shaving cream. Brut was my very first "daddy smells" and every time I smell it, I think of the Christmas when I got it. I love remembering that. I remember going downstairs in our P.G. house, and seeing it all lit up, with Mom and Dad smiling the whole time we opened presents. Thinking of Christmases, I remember, now, my worst one, when I woke up and mom was in the hospital. Daddy said we should open our presents, `cause he wasn`t sure if mommy was going to come home. That year we didn`t have many presents, and I started crying, because I was embarrassed that I wanted more. Not because I was lacking, but because I realized I THOUGHT I was lacking. That was when I decided to start being grateful and selfless in my life. Or, at least, moreso. After doing contacts for a while, we visited Renato. as a student of Tae kwon doe, and having missionaries through his house for 15 years, he likes deep thinking. We talked deep doctrine for a bit before he showed us something cool. He took out a tool that measures voltage. He stuck it on our skin. His and Elder Barajas` were 220 and 200 (in some measurement). Mine was 40. He said that the higher the number, the happier the person. 150 is normal. I don`t know what I had been thinking. But after, we tried controlling our thoughts. This time 25 was normal. I got up to 60. Elder Barajas got 51. Renato didn`t try. My happy thought was writing Cassie, and Daddy telling me he was proud of me. Thn we tried sad. Elder Barajas got 11, and I got 7. I thought of never being good enough for anyone. I know it`s silly to keep having these thoughts, but it is honestly how I feel. We finished up by visiting Robin and Bilha, then the Millahuals. Hna. Maite got an answer of what to do with Osvaldo, who is bipolar they found out, and felt peaceful. While Elder Barajas was with the others, I spent some time in the scriptures, helping her understand why God gives us trials. (2 Nephi 2)
Thursday: I got up this morning, noting, briefly, that it was uncomfortably cold. So I waited in my bed for the shower to be available. As it turned off, I dropped myself out of bed, reluctant to leave what little warmth I had accumulated, when out of the blue, Elder Garcia, this fat hulking giant, suddenly opened his eyes, leapt from his top bunk, and flew into the bathroom before I could say, "Great Odin`s raven, what`s up with all the Hulaballoo?!" Elder Barajas had just finished, and was ascending the stairs to our room in his towel. He usually has the heater going, so, in my newly-awoken, shivering self, I trailede behind him, desperate for warmth. But we found out that Elder Rodriguez had stolen it during Elder Barajas` shower. I chilled in Rodriguez`s room, and read a book called, "How to be an extra-ordinary missionary" by John Bytheway. I found myself feeling quite happy with the work I`ve been doing. Our ceiling has boards supporting the upstairs that make a great plaid pattern. When we stand on the bottom of the stairs, I can grab the 2nd story floor. So I started hanging and swung my feet forward and wedged myself in between the ceiling boards. I said, "I`m roofed in between the wedge, and it hurts!" (Because the grip was sharp wood) And then dropped down. Elder Barajas started laughing at the mix-up and the hilarity. He even blew a not bubble, and then we both laughed forever. Then we had cookies and milk. We went contacting, and Elder Barajas said I was in charge. I said a prayer, and tried to pay attention to the promptings of the Spirit. I thought I had it a couple times, but we were rejedcted. I felt sad. Really sad. Like my chest hurt. We turned right, and the pain stopped. I turned back, to face the house I had been facing, and the same heated pressure returned. I got excited when I approached the door, `cause I heard a TV. Someone was home! I knocked softly with no answer. I was afraid. What if I couldn`t understand them? What if they rejected me too? We went to the next house, but I kept thinkin of the house. I told Elder Barajs we should go back. As we approached, I felt like I did after bearing my testimony when I was little, overcome with emotion and about to cry (don`t question it, it`s just who I am!). It was weird. I was trying to hold it in, and told Elder Barajas about my fear. He read D&C 84:88 "I am with thee always, on your left and on your right." and Moroni 8:16"I speak with boldness, having authority from God; and I fear not what man can do; for perfect love casteth out all fear." All of my pressure of fear and crying was moved, it seemed, to my skin as a radiating heat. I bore powerful testimony and he said he didn`t have time, but that we could come back later. I found one other lady in a similar manner. I`m doing it! (I told Elder Barajas what I told Cassie in the MTC: That I feel like another face in a suit. Same here, with thte members. He told me I`m not just a face in a suit to the people I promised to save in the preexistence.
Friday: Today wasn`t nearly so spiritual as it was emotional, and that was only within the last half-hour.I watched "charly" on Elder Barajas`s ipod. It was a love story where a girl found the gospel and it changed her life. They loved each other so much and married in the teample, and sealed for eternity. It had never hit me, the joy of this message. I cried so much when the husband found out she had cancer. He prayed to Heavenly FAther. I got chills when he said the same words that I uttered when mommy had cancer, "I`m scared." Words cannot describe how I felt when I said that. Saying, "I`m scared" aloud is something that makes it seem more fi9rm in your mind. Like the thing you`re afraid of becomes more of a reality. I think that was the day I first got my testimony. Because by the end of my prayer, I felt better. Calm er. I`m not afraid of dying. I`ve alwasy been afraid of losing my loved ones. I remember when I was about 5, my mom told me that she was going to die. She meant it in the sense of "eventually", but I was terrified. I wanted to spend every minute with her. I was scared to be alone. I`m alone now, as I write this. I want a hug. I want love. I want someone to love. I want someone to hold onto forever. I want to get married in the temple. I want to live worthily. I want to help others. I want to be the "someone" people come to for safety and comfort. I want to feel safe always. I want to preach the Gospel to the world, and tell them they don`t have to be alone! They can know that they have a Heavenly Father who loves them just like he loves me! I love my Savior so much for the blessings in my life, and for the people that love me. Every tear that falls right now is a spiritual gift from them, and the influence they`ve had on me. I`m grateful for my mission, for the privelage I have to leave my family for a little while, so other families can be together forever. It may be difficult at times (like when I thought of Cassie this afternoon), but tonight was a reminder of why I`m here, and I`m so thankful for it.
Saturday: We got up today to a foggy day, full of cold. But we dutifully headed out in our soccer clothes to pick up our investigators for our weekly game. Actually, we had 6 new people come today. One of them, specifically, caught my attention. He`s name is Jordan (He has an older brother named Michael) who is 16 years old. When he runs with the ball, it just looks so graceful. And his kicks pack a whallop. When I was goalie, I blocked a shot with my SHOE and it hurt. After that, I didn`t want to be goalie. And when I was playing offense and he was guarding me, he would say things like "boo" or "Ah!" thinking he was intimidating. He`s a great guy,m and I love him, but when he kept rubbing in how much better he was than me, I felt like I was back in High School and had to prove myself to others. I was still bad at soccer, and couldn`t really do anything. I got frustrated with myself, and felt sad when he kept laughing at me. I had prideful thoughts, that I wasn`t good enough. Or that if we were in a pool, I`d show HIM. I just couldn`t help but compare myself to him. It was bad because I`m competetive, and he`s good. I felt so disappointed afterward that I had let myselft down. I thought I had become comfortable with who I am, but I`ve just been able to hold "it" in and be more patient. Which is good, but I need to be able to not compare myself to others. I am who God wants me to be, and worrying doesn`t do any good to anyone. After soccer, I had my heart`s desire of bread and avocado for lunchy. We also made rice, soaked in chicken broth. I had a lot more sandwiches than delicious rice. After lunch, we got a bunch of potatoes ready, and carried them over to a family in the other ward. I cleaned and peeled them for an hour before we started frying them. Elder Barajas and I had another appointment, so we got to eat first, before we left. We met up with Juan, a ward missionary, and went to FHE with Hna. Ema`s and her hubby were joined with some non-members who were a little antagonistic. So it was a little less productive than usual. Then we visited Guido`s family. He wasn`t there, but his sisters were. One`s 19 and pregnant (Every girl about my age has already had at least one baby. weird), and the other had her 18th birthday today. We finished the night, teaching Juan english.
Sunday: We woke up today with enough time to get everything done. We readied ourselves, and called Teresa. She told us she would have to stay home again. Out of all the rotten sundays, the one good one was the one that her mom decided to go visit someone. Lame. She said she had to stay home with her kids as a result. We went to María Soledad`s (A new investigator that seems a bit slow) house to pick her up. Her cell phone was turned off, and her gate was locked. So she didn`t come to church. we went to church, and were having a grand old time until they came up to us in the middle of a talk, and asked us to do a special musical number. The choral leader practiced with us outside for one verse, before we went back in, and sang hymn #1 in front of everyone...a capella. It was fine exept where the hymn tries to join two words with one syllable. It`s dumb. And then Elder Barajas started laughin the last verse, and my butterflies in my stomach made me start laughing. We`re going to make a list of 100 things we learned on the mission. #1 is "improvised musical numbers never work out well." As we were heading, red-faced, back to our seats. Guess whose face we saw smiling out of the congregation? Teresa! She had come, after all! And she had brought her husband, who happened to be home from work today. But she left after sacrament meeting. At least she got to make a few friends. We had lunch with Robing and Bilha. We had mashed potatoes with horse. There was also steamed carrots and onions too. After that, we were deprived of any energy we might have had, by the power and effects of a food coma. So we had ourselfes a tuto (nap). We were revived, and went to the Millahual`s. Osvaldo has had a 40-degree C fever since Friday, and has been very sick because of it. I got to help Octavio with his iPhone, and even read some things afterward. I read the first two pages of a book by Jim Butcher, the same author as the Dresden Files, and felt that I`m not going to write my book. The quality is totally horrible in comparison. More like a joke. I`ll just be happy with "Dragon Knight". I also read some talks by Elder Holland. Then we ate sopaipillas with Robin and Bilha, and watched 30 minutes of "avatar" while doing so. Then we came home and planned this next week`s goals, after reporting our #`s to the zone leaders.
P.S. Elder Barajas found out at 1:30 in the morning that we were both still awake. So we talked and even did literate exercises. We wrote about love. We wrote about heartache. We talked with each other about those that we love and have loved. We went to bed at 5:00 this morning. I wonder why I was so excited, that I couldn`t sleep?
I love you all so much. Please know that I love you, and think about you all the time! Just think: I get to call you in 4 months! that`s only a third of a year! It`s flying for me. I`ve almost been in the field as long as I`ve been in the MTC. woot!
Tuesday: Stupid pride. Today was a great day, atually. We had our Distrizona meeting, and did practices. I did them right, and impressed a lot of people. They said I was a powerful teacher, so I guess language wasn´t a barrier. Elder Barajas and I came back, and I confessed to him that Kayla had dumped me because I didn´t have confidence in myself. He told me that was his biggest peeve, and pointed to a success chart for missionaries. One bullet said, "measures success in himself." This actually helped me a lot. Just like in swimming, don´t pay attention to the people in their lanes. Just focus on your 25 yards of water, and swim the best you can. The scriptures tell us we shouldn´t run faster than we are able. We had lunch with the Millahual´s, and set up an appt. with Teresa on Friday. She´s been reading and praying this whole past week. While we were contacting, Elder Barajas had fun by sticking his pen in a spiderweb. A spider as big as a quarter leaped out surprisingly fast. I yelped and leaped back. As I walked away, I had a hint of the depression I had, when I saw the video about the boy who cracked his skull in half. I realized then, that fear is the absence of the Spirit. What a profound thought that was for me. We have the spirit with us so much, that when it leavesw us now, compared to before the mission, it is...much more of an impact. I just felt allone and scared. But through prayer, I got it´s presence back. Hna. Millahual and Fernanda came with us to Robin & Bilha´s to share their hour-long testimonies. After they left, everyone made food and talked. There wasn´t room for me,so Elder Barajas suggested I sit down. I did. I thought about girls, and technology, and games with such strength and focus I couldn´t escape it. I felt horrible because I have so much time left. That+s why I said, "stupid pride". I´m wanting what I can´t have. I wasn´t satisfied through prayer, or reading spanish scriptures ( ´cause I only understand 1 word in a while). I sat and tried to make my mind blank, and project static noise in my mind. I had songs of girls stuck in my head instead. So I sat and fidgeted in silence until I remembered I had brought "A marvelous work and a wonder" for once. I found solace in that, at least.
Wednesday: We soke up this morning, and I had a good time reading "A marvelous work and a wonder", learning more about the gospel. I already believe it, but Legrand Richards talks about the little points in such detail I can´t help but be impressed. When I joined Elder Barajas, He told me we lost Sandra and probably Niko. He had called to see if we could visit tonight, and she said she had other commitments. When he asked about tomorrow, she said that she was catholic, her family was Catholic and she wasn´t going to go to church anymore. How horrible! I just get so worried when I think of these people, who have felt the sp9irit, stand in front of God and he asks them why they didn´t listen to us. They told us they knew it was true, but they´re too scared of their family members. I wonder what their father will think of that. Dang. We did some contacts and Permanaced for the rest of the morning. Elder Vincent will have to leave at 3:45 on Saturday (he´ll baptize robin and Bilha), but the wedding starts at 2:30, with the baptism to follow at 3:00. We planned it out as best we could before going to lunch. We ate quickly, because we discovered ourselves to be very sleepy. Afterward, we attacked Querihue (another sector) as a zone. I was put in a division with elder isquierdo. He doesn´t speak english, but that´s not a problem anymore. We did 20 contacts, and found 2 good investigators for Herrera and Rodriguez. We returned home, and Elder Barajas and I made some yummy eggs. Then we went to choir practice. There were all the youth singing there, but they all left to another room when choir started. It was me, a tenor and a bass. Nowemen, and Elder Barajas had to play piano. It was more of a "special number" than a choir. We bought some bread, and headed over to Robin and Bilha´s to review the interview questions with them, but Bilha was getting her hair curled and everything. We visited with Robin and Alex, for a while, before we hadto go. (I was sitting in a chair, minding my musiness, when Elder Barjas farted and walked past me. Insuleted, I said, " You´re crap-dusting me?" He turned around and walked past my other side saying, "no. I´m crap-circling you!"
Thursday: Well, I´ve been in the field for 1 month, and on my mission for 3 months and I just wanted to say that I´m a little homesick. I couldn´t find "A marvelous work and a wonder" this morning, so I read the July ensign, the last english one of my mission. As I did, I ate some mentos and thought of Daddy in his blazer. I read two stories: one was about telling the gospel with confidence; and the other was about members having strong family relationships while their family was separated. The first was helpful for obvious reasons. But the second one was all about family experiences, and I missed my family/wanted my own, and wanted to be a good father/wanted others to have this gift. There was a lot of love. There were lots of sweet things the fathers did for their families that I totally would do, if I had a family. I was so thankful for my father, and the example of love and love of the gospel that he´s been in my life. I thought of the strength I could and will be for my wife. Next, I contemplated the intricate phenomenon of the language. As I listen to the people, I find myself understanding them as longa s I don´t focus on individual words. I just listen to a sentence, and when it´s completed, I can understand the information they conveyed. I just thought it was interesting to note the changes that have happened to me. We had lunch with Hna. Veronica--Bean and noodle soup...again. It was raining pretty hard today. But the days have been really good lately, so I just decided to thank Heavenly Father for what he gave us. When we had to take our clothes to laundry, I prayed for the rain to stop for a liggle while. It did, right up until we delivered it, and then it started again. We picked up Fernanda, and went to the Chapel to make french fries. We listened to music while making them, and we had fun with all the ward missionaries. I confessed my homesickness to her, and how I was always the nerd--overlooked and ignored. She says the ission will change me. I think it already has. I´m gonna be way more confident and comfortable when I get back. Life certainly is going to be intereting then. But sometimes it´s fun to do something hard, yet be comfortable with it. Like I´m bundled up on our little couch, writing this in freezing temperatures, and find it normal. Sweet!
Friday: We got up and studied a little bit before heading off to visit Teresa. She´s been reading and praying, so that´s good. She was worried because her childeren and husband are al baptized catholic, and she doesn´t want to separate from them. By reading moroni 8 (which she loves), Elder Barajas helped her understand her kids can be baptized when they´re 8. I think her husband will be troublesome, though. She told us he is indifferent toward religion. If he will not be baptized and the kids are, I think the kids will be able to baptize and seal their parents. It was a good lesson. As we were walking, I realized that the weather here is a lot like South California. It´s actually a pretty nice place. Sometimes I´ll be walking, and then, all of a sudden, I´ll run into a part that smells like firewood because of all the stoves. It makes me feel like I´m in the mountains. It´s awesome. We had to make wedding programs for Robin and Bilha, so we did that until lunch, ate lunch, then went back to finish. We made photo copies of the program after finding a place to do it. I also bought "trix" for breakfast. We visited the millahual´s but had to go quickly after receiving a call from Robin and bilha, sayhing they needed help carrying benches TO the house. It wasn´t too bad. But I did get the bench with the most spiders. I´ve decided, officially, that I cannot conquer my fear of big spiders. *shudder* For FHE; we watched some videos. My favorite clip was of a father that vuilt an iron bridge for a railroad. H had a son he loved very much. One day, his son dropped a toy in the tracks as the train started. The train had been left on a track that led off a cliff. To save the people on the train, he had to switch it to the track his son was on. His sacrifice saved all the wounded, addicted, sinning people. It represented the atonement. I cried a little at the fAther´s grief. We did the interview of Robina and Bilha with Elders Grillone and Hawker. Our zone leaders are so cool. They talked with us on the way home, but when we came home, Herrera had made the whole house dirty. Pants and coats were everywhere, along with discarded candy wrappers. Elder Grillone told them to clean up and I gave him a mentos. :)
Saturday: We got up today with the intention of playing soccer at the stake center, but when we got outside we discovered for so dense we couldn´t see 30 feet in front of us. I voted to boycott playing in the cold. So we went an decorated and cleaned the whole church for Robina and Bilha´s wedding. I had the chapel and cultural hall to do. I hung up ribbons and cleaned the floors. Elder Barajas cleaned the bathrooms and fot, while readying the pipes as well. He´s awesome. We finished after 4 hours, and rushed off to shower, give Robin his shoes for the wedding, and buy lunhc for ourselves and the sister missionaries who had prepared refreshments. We got back with five minutes to spare. I spent 2 of those minutes meeting Elder Vincent. He is a very cool guy. He has a quiet, calm sense of humor that is easy and well-appreciated. The remaining 3 minutes were spent shoving 2 completos (hot dogs on steroids) down my throat, coughing a little bit, and booking it to the chapel. We had a beautiful wedding ceremony before we rushed them off to change their clothes. Bilha was so excited, she started crying. We said an opening prayer before we started the baptism. The fot doors were shut, but we could still all hear Bilha giggling, followed by a loud splash. Elder vincent had fallen in! Everyone laughed. After that, it was smooth sailing. After Robin exited, he began to cry. All his nervousness, all his worrying, and all his distracting doubts were gone! I was so happy that he was able to find the truth in his life. They´ll be confirmed tomorrow, and robin will receive the Aaronic priesthood next week. I had an opportunity to talk to Elder Vincent afterward. He figured out a way to stay longer. We were even wearing the same suit! We totally posed for photos. Afterward, we went to the Millhual house. We visited them before heading to the after-party at Robin & Bilha´s. While there, I shoed pictures to some girls. I barely understood what they were saying, and I took a humbling blow--no, it was more of a smack-down--in my ability to speak. I really thought I wasw getting it. I doubt I´ll progress much. It feels so hopeless sometimes. But I don´t lose hope...just confidence. As I saw my pictures, I realized my mission life is so crazy fun. I just hope that I can continue to be a better and better instrument in the hands of the lord.
Sunday: Today was a day of thoughts and repose. We went to church. teresa couldn´t because her aunt randomly showed up, and she had to play "super-hostess" for her. We have to move her baptismal date now. We confirmed and blessed Robin and Bilha as members of the church. I was o happy! Robin was clean shaven, and wearing his suit. And he attended all the classes with us. I wrote a letter to jess as a response to her last letter from June! I bore her my testimony of Heavenly Father´s love for us, and that he´s always there for us. I know she and Kevin will need his love when he leaves. I think they´ll be alright...I hope. After church, we walked Robin to Bilha and I said, "Su esposa?" Which means "Your wife?" I meant it to be said in such a manner that it would sound new to him. He took her by the hand and said, in english, "mine." I laughed so hard. They walked off down the hall, hand in hand, and Elder Barajas and I just crossed our arms and watched as I told him "there goes an eternal family." They made it! I´m so happy for them! Ah! We had lunch here, at home, and were soon joined by the Querihue Elders. we were so tired after all the wedding preparations, we just rested. Because of the wedding and all the non-member family members, we had met our weekly goals! Elder Rodriguez got ater me for not kissing anyone yet. He had his first when he was 11, and was a pro by 13. He said we should kiss BEFORE a relationship. I told him of all the good member girls by my house and how they had wanted neither relationships nor kisses before the prophet had outlined. I expressed some concern at this, and fear I have of when I return. Nobody had wanted me before, why would they after? He assured me that I had lost. I thanked him sarcastically before he finished telling me that I would win. He related relationships to missionary work, and the gospel. Jesus loved everyone too, but he was often rejected. But there were those that DID follow him. He said before my first kiss, or baptism, I need to teach 3 lessons: 1. that I´m a good man 2. that I´m different than the others 3. that I´ll love her and care for her (he also said to gain confidence with others, he gives them little candies that he carries around. haha.). When we ate our weekly sopaipillas with Robin and bilha. and I noticed a happy peace about her, I hadn´t seen before, that made her look like those sisters back home. It was so beautiful! (In revelations, it says the whore of all the earth will be set upon 7 peaks. the Vatican is surrounded by 7 mountains. HA!) P.S. I prayed to heavenly Father for forgiveness and asked what I could do to know I was worthy and saved. I received nothing. I asked other questions with similar results. I was so scared and felt so alone that I cried VIOLENTLY for the first time in years and just asked for help. I felt so sad for the very thought of sinning. I got up from my knees with the feeling of reproach in my heart. I thanked Heavenly Father for my fear of sinning. I´m recognizing the spirit! I don´t think that I´ve sinned, but after reading revelations and thinking about that kind of apocalyptic stuff, you have to make sure, ya know?
Wednesday: We soke up this morning, and I had a good time reading "A marvelous work and a wonder", learning more about the gospel. I already believe it, but Legrand Richards talks about the little points in such detail I can´t help but be impressed. When I joined Elder Barajas, He told me we lost Sandra and probably Niko. He had called to see if we could visit tonight, and she said she had other commitments. When he asked about tomorrow, she said that she was catholic, her family was Catholic and she wasn´t going to go to church anymore. How horrible! I just get so worried when I think of these people, who have felt the sp9irit, stand in front of God and he asks them why they didn´t listen to us. They told us they knew it was true, but they´re too scared of their family members. I wonder what their father will think of that. Dang. We did some contacts and Permanaced for the rest of the morning. Elder Vincent will have to leave at 3:45 on Saturday (he´ll baptize robin and Bilha), but the wedding starts at 2:30, with the baptism to follow at 3:00. We planned it out as best we could before going to lunch. We ate quickly, because we discovered ourselves to be very sleepy. Afterward, we attacked Querihue (another sector) as a zone. I was put in a division with elder isquierdo. He doesn´t speak english, but that´s not a problem anymore. We did 20 contacts, and found 2 good investigators for Herrera and Rodriguez. We returned home, and Elder Barajas and I made some yummy eggs. Then we went to choir practice. There were all the youth singing there, but they all left to another room when choir started. It was me, a tenor and a bass. Nowemen, and Elder Barajas had to play piano. It was more of a "special number" than a choir. We bought some bread, and headed over to Robin and Bilha´s to review the interview questions with them, but Bilha was getting her hair curled and everything. We visited with Robin and Alex, for a while, before we hadto go. (I was sitting in a chair, minding my musiness, when Elder Barjas farted and walked past me. Insuleted, I said, " You´re crap-dusting me?" He turned around and walked past my other side saying, "no. I´m crap-circling you!"
Thursday: Well, I´ve been in the field for 1 month, and on my mission for 3 months and I just wanted to say that I´m a little homesick. I couldn´t find "A marvelous work and a wonder" this morning, so I read the July ensign, the last english one of my mission. As I did, I ate some mentos and thought of Daddy in his blazer. I read two stories: one was about telling the gospel with confidence; and the other was about members having strong family relationships while their family was separated. The first was helpful for obvious reasons. But the second one was all about family experiences, and I missed my family/wanted my own, and wanted to be a good father/wanted others to have this gift. There was a lot of love. There were lots of sweet things the fathers did for their families that I totally would do, if I had a family. I was so thankful for my father, and the example of love and love of the gospel that he´s been in my life. I thought of the strength I could and will be for my wife. Next, I contemplated the intricate phenomenon of the language. As I listen to the people, I find myself understanding them as longa s I don´t focus on individual words. I just listen to a sentence, and when it´s completed, I can understand the information they conveyed. I just thought it was interesting to note the changes that have happened to me. We had lunch with Hna. Veronica--Bean and noodle soup...again. It was raining pretty hard today. But the days have been really good lately, so I just decided to thank Heavenly Father for what he gave us. When we had to take our clothes to laundry, I prayed for the rain to stop for a liggle while. It did, right up until we delivered it, and then it started again. We picked up Fernanda, and went to the Chapel to make french fries. We listened to music while making them, and we had fun with all the ward missionaries. I confessed my homesickness to her, and how I was always the nerd--overlooked and ignored. She says the ission will change me. I think it already has. I´m gonna be way more confident and comfortable when I get back. Life certainly is going to be intereting then. But sometimes it´s fun to do something hard, yet be comfortable with it. Like I´m bundled up on our little couch, writing this in freezing temperatures, and find it normal. Sweet!
Friday: We got up and studied a little bit before heading off to visit Teresa. She´s been reading and praying, so that´s good. She was worried because her childeren and husband are al baptized catholic, and she doesn´t want to separate from them. By reading moroni 8 (which she loves), Elder Barajas helped her understand her kids can be baptized when they´re 8. I think her husband will be troublesome, though. She told us he is indifferent toward religion. If he will not be baptized and the kids are, I think the kids will be able to baptize and seal their parents. It was a good lesson. As we were walking, I realized that the weather here is a lot like South California. It´s actually a pretty nice place. Sometimes I´ll be walking, and then, all of a sudden, I´ll run into a part that smells like firewood because of all the stoves. It makes me feel like I´m in the mountains. It´s awesome. We had to make wedding programs for Robin and Bilha, so we did that until lunch, ate lunch, then went back to finish. We made photo copies of the program after finding a place to do it. I also bought "trix" for breakfast. We visited the millahual´s but had to go quickly after receiving a call from Robin and bilha, sayhing they needed help carrying benches TO the house. It wasn´t too bad. But I did get the bench with the most spiders. I´ve decided, officially, that I cannot conquer my fear of big spiders. *shudder* For FHE; we watched some videos. My favorite clip was of a father that vuilt an iron bridge for a railroad. H had a son he loved very much. One day, his son dropped a toy in the tracks as the train started. The train had been left on a track that led off a cliff. To save the people on the train, he had to switch it to the track his son was on. His sacrifice saved all the wounded, addicted, sinning people. It represented the atonement. I cried a little at the fAther´s grief. We did the interview of Robina and Bilha with Elders Grillone and Hawker. Our zone leaders are so cool. They talked with us on the way home, but when we came home, Herrera had made the whole house dirty. Pants and coats were everywhere, along with discarded candy wrappers. Elder Grillone told them to clean up and I gave him a mentos. :)
Saturday: We got up today with the intention of playing soccer at the stake center, but when we got outside we discovered for so dense we couldn´t see 30 feet in front of us. I voted to boycott playing in the cold. So we went an decorated and cleaned the whole church for Robina and Bilha´s wedding. I had the chapel and cultural hall to do. I hung up ribbons and cleaned the floors. Elder Barajas cleaned the bathrooms and fot, while readying the pipes as well. He´s awesome. We finished after 4 hours, and rushed off to shower, give Robin his shoes for the wedding, and buy lunhc for ourselves and the sister missionaries who had prepared refreshments. We got back with five minutes to spare. I spent 2 of those minutes meeting Elder Vincent. He is a very cool guy. He has a quiet, calm sense of humor that is easy and well-appreciated. The remaining 3 minutes were spent shoving 2 completos (hot dogs on steroids) down my throat, coughing a little bit, and booking it to the chapel. We had a beautiful wedding ceremony before we rushed them off to change their clothes. Bilha was so excited, she started crying. We said an opening prayer before we started the baptism. The fot doors were shut, but we could still all hear Bilha giggling, followed by a loud splash. Elder vincent had fallen in! Everyone laughed. After that, it was smooth sailing. After Robin exited, he began to cry. All his nervousness, all his worrying, and all his distracting doubts were gone! I was so happy that he was able to find the truth in his life. They´ll be confirmed tomorrow, and robin will receive the Aaronic priesthood next week. I had an opportunity to talk to Elder Vincent afterward. He figured out a way to stay longer. We were even wearing the same suit! We totally posed for photos. Afterward, we went to the Millhual house. We visited them before heading to the after-party at Robin & Bilha´s. While there, I shoed pictures to some girls. I barely understood what they were saying, and I took a humbling blow--no, it was more of a smack-down--in my ability to speak. I really thought I wasw getting it. I doubt I´ll progress much. It feels so hopeless sometimes. But I don´t lose hope...just confidence. As I saw my pictures, I realized my mission life is so crazy fun. I just hope that I can continue to be a better and better instrument in the hands of the lord.
Sunday: Today was a day of thoughts and repose. We went to church. teresa couldn´t because her aunt randomly showed up, and she had to play "super-hostess" for her. We have to move her baptismal date now. We confirmed and blessed Robin and Bilha as members of the church. I was o happy! Robin was clean shaven, and wearing his suit. And he attended all the classes with us. I wrote a letter to jess as a response to her last letter from June! I bore her my testimony of Heavenly Father´s love for us, and that he´s always there for us. I know she and Kevin will need his love when he leaves. I think they´ll be alright...I hope. After church, we walked Robin to Bilha and I said, "Su esposa?" Which means "Your wife?" I meant it to be said in such a manner that it would sound new to him. He took her by the hand and said, in english, "mine." I laughed so hard. They walked off down the hall, hand in hand, and Elder Barajas and I just crossed our arms and watched as I told him "there goes an eternal family." They made it! I´m so happy for them! Ah! We had lunch here, at home, and were soon joined by the Querihue Elders. we were so tired after all the wedding preparations, we just rested. Because of the wedding and all the non-member family members, we had met our weekly goals! Elder Rodriguez got ater me for not kissing anyone yet. He had his first when he was 11, and was a pro by 13. He said we should kiss BEFORE a relationship. I told him of all the good member girls by my house and how they had wanted neither relationships nor kisses before the prophet had outlined. I expressed some concern at this, and fear I have of when I return. Nobody had wanted me before, why would they after? He assured me that I had lost. I thanked him sarcastically before he finished telling me that I would win. He related relationships to missionary work, and the gospel. Jesus loved everyone too, but he was often rejected. But there were those that DID follow him. He said before my first kiss, or baptism, I need to teach 3 lessons: 1. that I´m a good man 2. that I´m different than the others 3. that I´ll love her and care for her (he also said to gain confidence with others, he gives them little candies that he carries around. haha.). When we ate our weekly sopaipillas with Robin and bilha. and I noticed a happy peace about her, I hadn´t seen before, that made her look like those sisters back home. It was so beautiful! (In revelations, it says the whore of all the earth will be set upon 7 peaks. the Vatican is surrounded by 7 mountains. HA!) P.S. I prayed to heavenly Father for forgiveness and asked what I could do to know I was worthy and saved. I received nothing. I asked other questions with similar results. I was so scared and felt so alone that I cried VIOLENTLY for the first time in years and just asked for help. I felt so sad for the very thought of sinning. I got up from my knees with the feeling of reproach in my heart. I thanked Heavenly Father for my fear of sinning. I´m recognizing the spirit! I don´t think that I´ve sinned, but after reading revelations and thinking about that kind of apocalyptic stuff, you have to make sure, ya know?
Friday, September 3, 2010
Pictures 2 9-3-10
the first one is a dog that followed us around the whole day. he was a good dog
the second one is a picture of our kitchen. it´s very small
the third one is of some oxen that pull laundry around. you don´t see that every day
the fourth one is of my ward at our family home evening.
the first one is a bowl of giant trix. it´s odd, I know. But it´s super good.
the second one is me rocking out to mo-tab
the first one is the first sign I saw in chile. so I took a picture
the second one is me relaxing with my 6 wool blankets
PICTURES 9-3-10
the first one is my eye. I think it looks cool
the second one is my comp eating fish. he really likes it here.
the third one is me, ready to leave the mtc
the fourth one is my palolo. that´s chilean for boyfriend.
the first one is me in my jacket before we went to do our skit for family home evening
the second one is of a random branch of a tree that looked like a natural broom
the third one is me having a nature walk
the second one is my comp eating fish. he really likes it here.
the third one is me, ready to leave the mtc
the fourth one is my palolo. that´s chilean for boyfriend.
the first one is me in my jacket before we went to do our skit for family home evening
the second one is of a random branch of a tree that looked like a natural broom
the third one is me having a nature walk
8-16-10
PICTURE DESCRIPTIONS:
the first one is me peeling an orange that had more peel than orange.
the second one is a cute little dog that reminded me of a sea lion
the third one is-yes...a tiger in the window
the fourth one...I lost my name tag for a few hours, and we had to make a replacement. this was a mistake.
Tuesday: We woke up this morning to go to our distrizona meeting. It was pretty good. We were complimented on our numbers but were urged on to be better. Elder Girllone will be gone next tuesday. At his house! I wonder what it will feel like. Right now, if I were offered an honorable return, for whatever reason, it would be strange. I`m not sure if I would refuse, or even have the strength to reject the opportunity. But there is no doubt in my mind that I would regret it forever afterwards. LeGrand Richards mentioned an interview with a national radio commentator where the DJ was asked, " If there was a message more important than any other, what would it be?" He replied, " If a man died,k and came back to life, what he would have to say would be the most important." When Moroni came to Joseph Smith, he gave us that message! I`m preaching it right now! But packing up my bags would be bittersweet for sure. I`m not saying I would complain about being in a clean country again. But all these people would be left without a knowledge of their plight or how they can escape it. It seems like success is so difficult at times. People are so stuck in their ways, and the catholic church is even teaching eternal marriages now! How are people to accept our message, if they`re already practicing the same things? Even if they don`t have the authority. They THINK they`ve got it right, but they won`t find out they`re wrong, until it`s too late! So I`m working as hard as I can to be the best teach I can, so I can help them feel the spirit thorugh me. I feel like the sons of mosiah who shook when they thought of the fate of others. I want to help! I`m here! We spent the evening and the afternoon doing contacts and buyikng supplies to repair the shoes of the other elders. Then elder barajas and I went to FHE with Teresa. It was a lot of fun. I got to play with the little babies. They loved me. I even did some little magic tricks for 4-year old luis. 2-year old Jose loved taking pictures (with flash) with me. We visited Robin and Bilha to finish off the night. Robin had had his Aaronic priesthood interview, and was worthy. MAXIMUM PWNAGE!!
Wednesday:We got up today, and got ready for the day while listening to DAvid Archuleta`s Christmas album. I thought of Devin. We did contacts in the bosque sector until we had lunch with Hna. Veronica. As a surprise, we did not have bean and noodle soup. It was rice and potato. It was very rich, and she even threw in some homegrown cilantro. Yum. We came back, and planned to plan and ready permanaced, but we both just died on the couch. We were soooo exhausted. We got out on time, though, because we had eaten so quickly. We did contacts and permanaced until we visited Hna. Ema. Her family`s doing very well. Sandra has definitely stopped investigating. Poop. (funny word) We went and visited the millahual family. Osvaldo got expelled for treating his pe and english teachers badly. He didn`t seem to feel bad at all. (We found out two days later, that he has a mental condition.) We finished off the night by visiting Robin and Bilha. I can finally understand Bilha (But not Robin) and talked with her a lot tonight. She smiled at me and politely said, "you`re, like, weird." I beamed at her, convinced that she had finally understood me too. I`m a bit of a weirdie. Everybody says I am, but in a good way. What if I want to sweep someone off their feet? what if I want to be study, instead of nerdy? No girl is gonna want someone...strange. This is also something I realized tonight. I think I`m afraid of women Not in the "Awkward RM" way. But as much as I want to be loved and accepted, I have no idea how to behave around them (although maybe I just forgot), and I especially am terrified of kissing. Out of the 90+ missionaries I`ve met, I`ve only met one other Elder who has yet to be kissed, and he`s fat and pompous. Gosh dang it! I`m going to do whatever I can to let some girl know that I`ll do anything for her that no one else will. But kissing and everything else makes me shake in my boots. So I make do with filling my days with things of the Gospel. One scripture is really cool for my situation. in 1 corinthians 13:11- When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; But when I became a man, I put away childish things. Maybe that`ll be me someday.
Thursday: We woke up, and peeled and sliced potatoes to eat during our planning session. We listened to audio scriptures while we worked. It was really nice and relaxing. we had lunch with Hna. Anlli. Her son was watching power rangers. I`ve never seen it before. It looks pretty dumb and repetetive. after that, we conquered contacts like nobody`s business. Then we picked up FÇernanda, and made some french fries for our meeting. I spoke with Elder Rodriguez about my newfound fear of love. He told me to practice with an orange juice bottle. I said no, and likened myself unto the bottle. No matter much I want the juice within, I don`t know how to remove the lid. Even though I want to love someone with all my heart, I don`t know how to express myself. I`m scared because when I get back, all of the girls will have already had their first kisses,k and they`ll meet me, and I`ll be horrible at it and mess up, and they will find someone who actually knows what they`re doing. I just realized that these past two entries are really doubting and sad. As much fear as I have about the future, my life right now is great. I have friends here that care for me. My family`s alright. And my friends at home are all cheering me on. I find myself thinking of the families here, and the things that they`re going through. I think that the more I forget about home, the better I`ll feel. I had a thought tonight, about my low self-esteem. Everyone on the mission thinks very highly of me. All of my bad thoughts are from bad past experiences. When the earth will be made perfect, the people living there will not remember the old earth, nor will it enter their minds. That`s when it was sactified of God. I`m serving god right now! I`m being changed. After my mission, I won`t think of the bad, past times, but of all the happy memories of my mission. The lord is leterally helping me physically because of my decision to serve. So, with that in mind, I move forward in faith, trusting my live in his hands. What else CAN I do?
Friday: We got this morning, only to discover Elder rodriguez had loaned his dumbells to Elder Hawker, so I was stuck with stinkin` push ups. They always make me feel embarassed. We startede out the day with a visit to Teresa. We discussed teaching her lessons of the commandments, like the word of wisdom. But as soon as we got there, we went on a completely different tangent. I think I`ll take the blame though. I just felt like she really needede to hear about the family. We talked about many things, but most notable was temple work. I talked about grammy, and how she`s been married to a muslim for 40+ years, and he`s not converted. I can seal them when they die! Teresa has the opportunity now! Also, we spent out ftudy time reading "the trilogy of scousen". A talk (our copy was in spanish) about the structure of the univers, where spirits come from if they have no beginning or end, what it means to be a father in heaven. Crazy! The universe is made of things to be acted upon and things to act on them. All things have the ability to have intelligences put in them. Every thing here is made up of intelligences and primal material. It says we`re just earth with millions of intelligences. When our intelligences leave, we`ll turn back into earth. D&C 88:37 says that wherever there`s space, there`s a kingdom, and vice versa. The space, or kingdom, is God`s workspace. What`s outside of his space? Outer Darkness. Outer darkness has no space. It`s a giant pool of intelligences that our Spirits were formed. Our intelligences chose what form they would take: earth, anoimal, or human. We all return to God after life. The sons of perdition and the devil will fight after the millenium to avoid outer darkness. Because if they get disorganized and thrown back into the pool of intelligences, they can`t be chosen by other heavenly fathers in a different round of creation. Every Heavenly Father will have 3 monumental crises. 1st a revolution during the creation of the spirits,k 2nd the redeemer of the others will fail because of fear 3rd the final battle with satan. It will intensify because of the realization that SAtan and his followers will be dispersonalized and disorganized. He knows he`ll lose. We will have the power to command intelligences (like when moses got to turn his staff into a snake, his arm had leprosy, or he turned water to blood, water from the rock). Every Heavenly father needs to have their own redeemer. Ours was called Jehova. It`s amazing to be able to learn all these things. I actually have a headache from all these things and Spanish. ugh.
Saturday: We got up, and headed off to the Stake center for our weekly soccer match. I scared a lot of goals today, and was able to maneuver the ball skillfully so that people would pass me the ball more often. It was so much fun! We left and showered before hustling off to the chapel for a baptism of the sister missionari9es. We wouldn`t have been able to arrive on time if it hadn`t been for the bishop driving by us in his taxi car, and giving us a ride. The ceremony went smoothly, and I got to sing "I like to look for rainbows" with the sisters. The last time I sang that song at a baptism was of Aunt Anita`s, when I was 4 or 5. It was cool. We drained the font, and headed off to lunch. We had mac & cheese-flavored broth, followed by meat and potatoes. For dessert, we had ice cream! Chocolate, coconut, and butterscotch! It was so good! Afterwards, we came back and read & studied until our haircut appointment. I got my 3rd haircut of the mission today. We also found out about our next transfer, including our new companion. I was worrying all day, because I don`t want to lose Elder Barajhas yet. Well we`re both going to stay here together! Yay! We visited the Millahual`s tonight. It was a very important night. Papá Joel is the only one not baptized in the family. I saw the pain that it was causing his family. MY (chilean) family. I told him of my fear I had for them. That even though they`re married and happy, if they`re not married by the proper authority, they`ll be separated and be servants to those who are sealed. They`ll be SEPARATED! D&C 130-132 says all this. I taught with authority and confronted him, and told him that he was hurting his family. I felt impressed to turn to Mamá Maite and ask her what she would give to be married and sealed to Joél forever. She said, "My life." I was moved to tears as I heard her devotion to him. I turned to him and said firmly, "Did you hear that? She would give her LIFE for you. You have a responsibility to your family to provide for them spiritually." I was very scared to confront this man, bu tI said it. I also asked about baptism. He said he didn`t want a 2nd baptism. We taught him about it, and he went from getting baptized "some day", to "soon". Fernanda said I was very brave to talk to her dad like that, and that she was so thankful. She said I was the first missionary to confront him like that. They`ve had missionaries through their house for 3 years. Elder Barajas said he knew why President had assigned me here. He had it this way, changed it, and felt he needed to change it back. Elder Barajas said I had to help Joel.
Sunday:We got up today, and were going to call teresa, but we`re out of minutes! And as we were literally heading out the door, poor Robin called, saying he needed help tying his tie. So we headed off to help him with his dilemma and sacrificed any chance we had had of reaching Teresa`s in time. I sat with the Millahual`s. Mamà told me hat after we left, their home was very truanquil and calm. Papá Joel cried a little bit. She said I need to keep it up. I don`t know about that. Elder Barajas knows more scriptures, and can make him see the importance of things like correct priesthood authority. Robin received the aaronic priesthood today. He and Bilha were so happy. We walked them home in the cold wind. I loved seeing Robin carrhing his daughter, Maria paz, on his shoulders. He`s a good man. I find it interesting what bilha said. She told us that this past week, people have been offereing him tea and coffee. And he said no! He did it so he could be worthy to bless his family. He`s a stud. For lunch we ate with a family of the other ward. The dad makes great wood works. we`re gonna buy wood symbols of our mission. It normally costs $30, but he likes us so much, it`ll only be $26! He`s making the other elders pay full price, because Elder Rodriguez talks too much. Haha! For lunch (you`re going to hate me for this), we had rice and horse meat! It was pretty dang good, and is cheaper than beef! Maybe I`ll have more sometime? :) We came home, and planned ourt our evening before leaving to get laundry. The sister hadn`t done it yet, so We`ll go tomorrow. The rest of the night was just family visits. Nothing too exciting.
On Mon, Aug 16, 2010 at 1:56 PM, Brigham Merrell <bmerrell@myldsmail.net> wrote:
Your letters definitely help, but it takes forever to write back. I have 4 minutes left, but my comp isn`t done yet, so I`ll try and squeeze this in.
i have always been afraid of BIG spiders. I squish little ones with my bare hands. I had songs in my head that sung about girls, hence, it didn`t help me forget them. haha. Kayla and I didn`t have a song, but I associated "must have done something right" by relient k with her. I still think it`s cool that you play the piano so skillfully. I honestly didn`t know that before you told me in the letter. haha. sorry. I`m a horrible friend. :) I feel bad for tosha. But that`s gonna happen when we`re all married. It happened with my teacher in the mtc. I don`t know.... you might get too busy to write me. haha. but if you say so, then I will trust you. haha. I don`t know how you and Kayla felt. Because it feels like it didn`t even start before it ended. Something happened, but I`m not sure what it was. sorry. I can`t wait to hear about your academic adventures (<---alliteration)
Monday: This day was pretty much musing about you. No, it wasn`t creepy. Just thinking.
Tuesday: We woke up this morning to go to our distrizona meeting. It was pretty good. We were complimented on our numbers but were urged on to be better. Elder Girllone will be gone next tuesday. At his house! I wonder what it will feel like. Right now, if I were offered an honorable return, for whatever reason, it would be strange. I`m not sure if I would refuse, or even have the strength to reject the opportunity. But there is no doubt in my mind that I would regret it forever afterwards. LeGrand Richards mentioned an interview with a national radio commentator where the DJ was asked, " If there was a message more important than any other, what would it be?" He replied, " If a man died,k and came back to life, what he would have to say would be the most important." When Moroni came to Joseph Smith, he gave us that message! I`m preaching it right now! But packing up my bags would be bittersweet for sure. I`m not saying I would complain about being in a clean country again. But all these people would be left without a knowledge of their plight or how they can escape it. It seems like success is so difficult at times. People are so stuck in their ways, and the catholic church is even teaching eternal marriages now! How are people to accept our message, if they`re already practicing the same things? Even if they don`t have the authority. They THINK they`ve got it right, but they won`t find out they`re wrong, until it`s too late! So I`m working as hard as I can to be the best teach I can, so I can help them feel the spirit thorugh me. I feel like the sons of mosiah who shook when they thought of the fate of others. I want to help! I`m here! We spent the evening and the afternoon doing contacts and buyikng supplies to repair the shoes of the other elders. Then elder barajas and I went to FHE with Teresa. It was a lot of fun. I got to play with the little babies. They loved me. I even did some little magic tricks for 4-year old luis. 2-year old Jose loved taking pictures (with flash) with me. We visited Robin and Bilha to finish off the night. Robin had had his Aaronic priesthood interview, and was worthy. MAXIMUM PWNAGE!!
Wednesday:We got up today, and got ready for the day while listening to DAvid Archuleta`s Christmas album. I thought of Devin. We did contacts in the bosque sector until we had lunch with Hna. Veronica. As a surprise, we did not have bean and noodle soup. It was rice and potato. It was very rich, and she even threw in some homegrown cilantro. Yum. We came back, and planned to plan and ready permanaced, but we both just died on the couch. We were soooo exhausted. We got out on time, though, because we had eaten so quickly. We did contacts and permanaced until we visited Hna. Ema. Her family`s doing very well. Sandra has definitely stopped investigating. Poop. (funny word) We went and visited the millahual family. Osvaldo got expelled for treating his pe and english teachers badly. He didn`t seem to feel bad at all. (We found out two days later, that he has a mental condition.) We finished off the night by visiting Robin and Bilha. I can finally understand Bilha (But not Robin) and talked with her a lot tonight. She smiled at me and politely said, "you`re, like, weird." I beamed at her, convinced that she had finally understood me too. I`m a bit of a weirdie. Everybody says I am, but in a good way. What if I want to sweep someone off their feet? what if I want to be study, instead of nerdy? No girl is gonna want someone...strange. This is also something I realized tonight. I think I`m afraid of women Not in the "Awkward RM" way. But as much as I want to be loved and accepted, I have no idea how to behave around them (although maybe I just forgot), and I especially am terrified of kissing. Out of the 90+ missionaries I`ve met, I`ve only met one other Elder who has yet to be kissed, and he`s fat and pompous. Gosh dang it! I`m going to do whatever I can to let some girl know that I`ll do anything for her that no one else will. But kissing and everything else makes me shake in my boots. So I make do with filling my days with things of the Gospel. One scripture is really cool for my situation. in 1 corinthians 13:11- When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; But when I became a man, I put away childish things. Maybe that`ll be me someday.
Thursday: We woke up, and peeled and sliced potatoes to eat during our planning session. We listened to audio scriptures while we worked. It was really nice and relaxing. we had lunch with Hna. Anlli. Her son was watching power rangers. I`ve never seen it before. It looks pretty dumb and repetetive. after that, we conquered contacts like nobody`s business. Then we picked up FÇernanda, and made some french fries for our meeting. I spoke with Elder Rodriguez about my newfound fear of love. He told me to practice with an orange juice bottle. I said no, and likened myself unto the bottle. No matter much I want the juice within, I don`t know how to remove the lid. Even though I want to love someone with all my heart, I don`t know how to express myself. I`m scared because when I get back, all of the girls will have already had their first kisses,k and they`ll meet me, and I`ll be horrible at it and mess up, and they will find someone who actually knows what they`re doing. I just realized that these past two entries are really doubting and sad. As much fear as I have about the future, my life right now is great. I have friends here that care for me. My family`s alright. And my friends at home are all cheering me on. I find myself thinking of the families here, and the things that they`re going through. I think that the more I forget about home, the better I`ll feel. I had a thought tonight, about my low self-esteem. Everyone on the mission thinks very highly of me. All of my bad thoughts are from bad past experiences. When the earth will be made perfect, the people living there will not remember the old earth, nor will it enter their minds. That`s when it was sactified of God. I`m serving god right now! I`m being changed. After my mission, I won`t think of the bad, past times, but of all the happy memories of my mission. The lord is leterally helping me physically because of my decision to serve. So, with that in mind, I move forward in faith, trusting my live in his hands. What else CAN I do?
Friday: We got this morning, only to discover Elder rodriguez had loaned his dumbells to Elder Hawker, so I was stuck with stinkin` push ups. They always make me feel embarassed. We startede out the day with a visit to Teresa. We discussed teaching her lessons of the commandments, like the word of wisdom. But as soon as we got there, we went on a completely different tangent. I think I`ll take the blame though. I just felt like she really needede to hear about the family. We talked about many things, but most notable was temple work. I talked about grammy, and how she`s been married to a muslim for 40+ years, and he`s not converted. I can seal them when they die! Teresa has the opportunity now! Also, we spent out ftudy time reading "the trilogy of scousen". A talk (our copy was in spanish) about the structure of the univers, where spirits come from if they have no beginning or end, what it means to be a father in heaven. Crazy! The universe is made of things to be acted upon and things to act on them. All things have the ability to have intelligences put in them. Every thing here is made up of intelligences and primal material. It says we`re just earth with millions of intelligences. When our intelligences leave, we`ll turn back into earth. D&C 88:37 says that wherever there`s space, there`s a kingdom, and vice versa. The space, or kingdom, is God`s workspace. What`s outside of his space? Outer Darkness. Outer darkness has no space. It`s a giant pool of intelligences that our Spirits were formed. Our intelligences chose what form they would take: earth, anoimal, or human. We all return to God after life. The sons of perdition and the devil will fight after the millenium to avoid outer darkness. Because if they get disorganized and thrown back into the pool of intelligences, they can`t be chosen by other heavenly fathers in a different round of creation. Every Heavenly Father will have 3 monumental crises. 1st a revolution during the creation of the spirits,k 2nd the redeemer of the others will fail because of fear 3rd the final battle with satan. It will intensify because of the realization that SAtan and his followers will be dispersonalized and disorganized. He knows he`ll lose. We will have the power to command intelligences (like when moses got to turn his staff into a snake, his arm had leprosy, or he turned water to blood, water from the rock). Every Heavenly father needs to have their own redeemer. Ours was called Jehova. It`s amazing to be able to learn all these things. I actually have a headache from all these things and Spanish. ugh.
Saturday: We got up, and headed off to the Stake center for our weekly soccer match. I scared a lot of goals today, and was able to maneuver the ball skillfully so that people would pass me the ball more often. It was so much fun! We left and showered before hustling off to the chapel for a baptism of the sister missionari9es. We wouldn`t have been able to arrive on time if it hadn`t been for the bishop driving by us in his taxi car, and giving us a ride. The ceremony went smoothly, and I got to sing "I like to look for rainbows" with the sisters. The last time I sang that song at a baptism was of Aunt Anita`s, when I was 4 or 5. It was cool. We drained the font, and headed off to lunch. We had mac & cheese-flavored broth, followed by meat and potatoes. For dessert, we had ice cream! Chocolate, coconut, and butterscotch! It was so good! Afterwards, we came back and read & studied until our haircut appointment. I got my 3rd haircut of the mission today. We also found out about our next transfer, including our new companion. I was worrying all day, because I don`t want to lose Elder Barajhas yet. Well we`re both going to stay here together! Yay! We visited the Millahual`s tonight. It was a very important night. Papá Joel is the only one not baptized in the family. I saw the pain that it was causing his family. MY (chilean) family. I told him of my fear I had for them. That even though they`re married and happy, if they`re not married by the proper authority, they`ll be separated and be servants to those who are sealed. They`ll be SEPARATED! D&C 130-132 says all this. I taught with authority and confronted him, and told him that he was hurting his family. I felt impressed to turn to Mamá Maite and ask her what she would give to be married and sealed to Joél forever. She said, "My life." I was moved to tears as I heard her devotion to him. I turned to him and said firmly, "Did you hear that? She would give her LIFE for you. You have a responsibility to your family to provide for them spiritually." I was very scared to confront this man, bu tI said it. I also asked about baptism. He said he didn`t want a 2nd baptism. We taught him about it, and he went from getting baptized "some day", to "soon". Fernanda said I was very brave to talk to her dad like that, and that she was so thankful. She said I was the first missionary to confront him like that. They`ve had missionaries through their house for 3 years. Elder Barajas said he knew why President had assigned me here. He had it this way, changed it, and felt he needed to change it back. Elder Barajas said I had to help Joel.
Sunday:We got up today, and were going to call teresa, but we`re out of minutes! And as we were literally heading out the door, poor Robin called, saying he needed help tying his tie. So we headed off to help him with his dilemma and sacrificed any chance we had had of reaching Teresa`s in time. I sat with the Millahual`s. Mamà told me hat after we left, their home was very truanquil and calm. Papá Joel cried a little bit. She said I need to keep it up. I don`t know about that. Elder Barajas knows more scriptures, and can make him see the importance of things like correct priesthood authority. Robin received the aaronic priesthood today. He and Bilha were so happy. We walked them home in the cold wind. I loved seeing Robin carrhing his daughter, Maria paz, on his shoulders. He`s a good man. I find it interesting what bilha said. She told us that this past week, people have been offering him tea and coffee. And he said no! He did it so he could be worthy to bless his family. He`s a stud. For lunch we ate with a family of the other ward. The dad makes great wood works. we`re gonna buy wood symbols of our mission. It normally costs $30, but he likes us so much, it`ll only be $26! He`s making the other elders pay full price, because Elder Rodriguez talks too much. Haha! For lunch (you`re going to hate me for this), we had rice and horse meat! It was pretty dang good, and is cheaper than beef! Maybe I`ll have more sometime? :) We came home, and planned ourt our evening before leaving to get laundry. The sister hadn`t done it yet, so We`ll go tomorrow. The rest of the night was just family visits. Nothing too exciting.
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