8-23-10

I love you mommy! I love you! I love you! I love you! things are going great here, and I think about you all the time! I tell my investigators about your stallward example when you had your trials. You have always been an example to me. I sent you a happy birthday card. I guess it never got there. Stupid mail. Where the heck is woodland hills? Thanks for sending me Alan`s address. I`m glad you all had fun with lindsay. She sent me some fun pictures. It looks like Dev`s getting all long and lanky! I didn`t recognize him in one of his pictures!

Moday: Whenever I start these entries, I pause and consider not only what happened that day, but also how I felt. And then I record both. Today was very emotional and not much happened. So this entry will pretty much be full of feelings. We woke up and went to do internet. Cassie had written me two emails. One as a response to the email, and the other was a response to my letter I sent two weeks ago. She asked me if I had liked her right before my mission. I told her the truth: That I wanted to know that very same thing. I`ve mused about my feelings about her before, but I`m still not sure. I think that`s my answer. If I had feelings, I`ve fairly sure I would be pretty definite. But I just don`t know. I turned the tables, and asked her why she had wanted to cuddle and fall asleep on me on purpose. I hope I don`t scare her away. I`m trying to figure myself out too. But I`m afraid. If I like her, I`ll have a horrible mission, being away from her, instead of being here and liking it. If I don`t like her...what do I lose? I feel like I`d lose something if I didn`t like her. Or love her. But these are the consequences of not bieng in the same country of those you care about. The emotional part of my day started at the millahual`s. I thought of a time when I was sad, and Kayla drove over and we sat in my car and talked and I felt scared to lose her(Actually, I was sad because of her, just so you know). But I did. I wasn`t what she wanted. I wanted to have someone to rescue me, and accept me, and love me for once. Cassie might have felt that way at one point, but her standards prevented her from acting on it. She was stronger than me. So tonight, I felt like I I have yet to have someone be there for me, in a loving way. My mission has always been in my future, an ever-present ender of things. I`m feeling so unprepared, emotionally, for trials in my love life. I just want to find someone for me. That`s all I`ve ever wanted to have. And it`s the only thing I`ve never gotten. Maybe that`s what I need to learn on my mission. Grattitude, and living in the moment. Because when I pause to consider what`s happening, it`s great! I also looked at my picture of mommy and Daddy for almost 5 min. I miss their hugs. I miss them telling me everything`s going to be alright. I miss being able to help Daddy. I miss crying with him and mommy. I miss Mommy´s laugh. I miss sitting with Daddy in Priesthood. I miss being their little briggy boy. I miss him tucking me in. I miss running to Daddy when I was scared. I miss going for drives with Mommy. Just for fun But I`ll go on as normal. I just need to cry a little.

Tuesday: We woke up this morning and did a massive cleaning of our house. Actually just our stuff. We were tired of cleaning up the other two`s mess. But our study room was put in order quickly enough. We then read from Preach my gospel until lunch. We had a lot to catch up on. But we had a fun time with it. Elder Herrera forgot his orange cream oreos (weird, I know) here, and I had some milk that needed to be drunk pretty soon. I`ll leave it up to your imagination to figure out what we did. :) Also, I thought it would be fun to randomly start laughing while Elder Barajas was reading, so HE would start laughing. It worked with tremendous success, because (1) he has a quiet laugh (2) he had a stuffed nose. We both agreed he sounded like a very happy dog. We had lunch with Hna. veronica. Soup, as always. We secured our clean clothes and crossed our little bridge, and hopped across the stones in our little marshland to our home. We took time to put our clothes away and keep our room clean. I got ready to take a shower, and came downstairs to do just that. But as I got off the staircase, in just my towel, I realized that Elder Rodriguez had returned from the terminal with his new companion, Elder Garcia, from El Salvador. I acted like I wasn`t embarrassed (`cause I wasn`t), and carried on with bisiness. We planned our day on a notecard, becuase we won`t get next transfer`s agenda `til tomorrow, and then headed out to do contacts. After the miserable time in thte windy, freezing rain, we visited Hna. Ema. She makes really good food when we come over. We finished up with a visit to Robin and Bilha. He`s been working ages to try and find a wifi hacker for his laptop. He found one last week. He`s relaly tech savvy. But he got a new charger today, and it totally burned his new laptop! It was about 2 weeks old! But he just broke out his trusty soddering gun and motherboard, and went to work. I`m feeling a lot better than I did last night. A lot less homesick. I`m trying to refocus and work hard. I know there will be times in the future when my strength wavers, but I`ve got friends to help me out. And I know the lord is walking with me. The place where I am, is on the other side of the world than the United States. 2 years of isolation here, and then returning will be weird. Lots will change. Technology, people. Lots. Devin will probably be my height, and skinny. Maybe we can play together. Yes. That sounds like a plan.

Wednesday: We started out the day with our Distrizona meeting. I`m officially not the newest! Elder Deleon, the brother of the visiting missionary from Friday is in our zone, along with another newbie. They just had a blank stare through the meeting. I know that look very well. I just wanted to help and teach them. I can`t wait to be a trainer. Elder Barajas` district consists of Querihue, which is pretty much the two other Elders we live with. After that, we went to go grocery shopping. I got some Axe and Brut shaving cream. Brut was my very first "daddy smells" and every time I smell it, I think of the Christmas when I got it. I love remembering that. I remember going downstairs in our P.G. house, and seeing it all lit up, with Mom and Dad smiling the whole time we opened presents. Thinking of Christmases, I remember, now, my worst one, when I woke up and mom was in the hospital. Daddy said we should open our presents, `cause he wasn`t sure if mommy was going to come home. That year we didn`t have many presents, and I started crying, because I was embarrassed that I wanted more. Not because I was lacking, but because I realized I THOUGHT I was lacking. That was when I decided to start being grateful and selfless in my life. Or, at least, moreso. After doing contacts for a while, we visited Renato. as a student of Tae kwon doe, and having missionaries through his house for 15 years, he likes deep thinking. We talked deep doctrine for a bit before he showed us something cool. He took out a tool that measures voltage. He stuck it on our skin. His and Elder Barajas` were 220 and 200 (in some measurement). Mine was 40. He said that the higher the number, the happier the person. 150 is normal. I don`t know what I had been thinking. But after, we tried controlling our thoughts. This time 25 was normal. I got up to 60. Elder Barajas got 51. Renato didn`t try. My happy thought was writing Cassie, and Daddy telling me he was proud of me. Thn we tried sad. Elder Barajas got 11, and I got 7. I thought of never being good enough for anyone. I know it`s silly to keep having these thoughts, but it is honestly how I feel. We finished up by visiting Robin and Bilha, then the Millahuals. Hna. Maite got an answer of what to do with Osvaldo, who is bipolar they found out, and felt peaceful. While Elder Barajas was with the others, I spent some time in the scriptures, helping her understand why God gives us trials. (2 Nephi 2)

Thursday: I got up this morning, noting, briefly, that it was uncomfortably cold. So I waited in my bed for the shower to be available. As it turned off, I dropped myself out of bed, reluctant to leave what little warmth I had accumulated, when out of the blue, Elder Garcia, this fat hulking giant, suddenly opened his eyes, leapt from his top bunk, and flew into the bathroom before I could say, "Great Odin`s raven, what`s up with all the Hulaballoo?!" Elder Barajas had just finished, and was ascending the stairs to our room in his towel. He usually has the heater going, so, in my newly-awoken, shivering self, I trailede behind him, desperate for warmth. But we found out that Elder Rodriguez had stolen it during Elder Barajas` shower. I chilled in Rodriguez`s room, and read a book called, "How to be an extra-ordinary missionary" by John Bytheway. I found myself feeling quite happy with the work I`ve been doing. Our ceiling has boards supporting the upstairs that make a great plaid pattern. When we stand on the bottom of the stairs, I can grab the 2nd story floor. So I started hanging and swung my feet forward and wedged myself in between the ceiling boards. I said, "I`m roofed in between the wedge, and it hurts!" (Because the grip was sharp wood) And then dropped down. Elder Barajas started laughing at the mix-up and the hilarity. He even blew a not bubble, and then we both laughed forever. Then we had cookies and milk. We went contacting, and Elder Barajas said I was in charge. I said a prayer, and tried to pay attention to the promptings of the Spirit. I thought I had it a couple times, but we were rejedcted. I felt sad. Really sad. Like my chest hurt. We turned right, and the pain stopped. I turned back, to face the house I had been facing, and the same heated pressure returned. I got excited when I approached the door, `cause I heard a TV. Someone was home! I knocked softly with no answer. I was afraid. What if I couldn`t understand them? What if they rejected me too? We went to the next house, but I kept thinkin of the house. I told Elder Barajs we should go back. As we approached, I felt like I did after bearing my testimony when I was little, overcome with emotion and about to cry (don`t question it, it`s just who I am!). It was weird. I was trying to hold it in, and told Elder Barajas about my fear. He read D&C 84:88 "I am with thee always, on your left and on your right." and Moroni 8:16"I speak with boldness, having authority from God; and I fear not what man can do; for perfect love casteth out all fear." All of my pressure of fear and crying was moved, it seemed, to my skin as a radiating heat. I bore powerful testimony and he said he didn`t have time, but that we could come back later. I found one other lady in a similar manner. I`m doing it! (I told Elder Barajas what I told Cassie in the MTC: That I feel like another face in a suit. Same here, with thte members. He told me I`m not just a face in a suit to the people I promised to save in the preexistence.

Friday: Today wasn`t nearly so spiritual as it was emotional, and that was only within the last half-hour.I watched "charly" on Elder Barajas`s ipod. It was a love story where a girl found the gospel and it changed her life. They loved each other so much and married in the teample, and sealed for eternity. It had never hit me, the joy of this message. I cried so much when the husband found out she had cancer. He prayed to Heavenly FAther. I got chills when he said the same words that I uttered when mommy had cancer, "I`m scared." Words cannot describe how I felt when I said that. Saying, "I`m scared" aloud is something that makes it seem more fi9rm in your mind. Like the thing you`re afraid of becomes more of a reality. I think that was the day I first got my testimony. Because by the end of my prayer, I felt better. Calm er. I`m not afraid of dying. I`ve alwasy been afraid of losing my loved ones. I remember when I was about 5, my mom told me that she was going to die. She meant it in the sense of "eventually", but I was terrified. I wanted to spend every minute with her. I was scared to be alone. I`m alone now, as I write this. I want a hug. I want love. I want someone to love. I want someone to hold onto forever. I want to get married in the temple. I want to live worthily. I want to help others. I want to be the "someone" people come to for safety and comfort. I want to feel safe always. I want to preach the Gospel to the world, and tell them they don`t have to be alone! They can know that they have a Heavenly Father who loves them just like he loves me! I love my Savior so much for the blessings in my life, and for the people that love me. Every tear that falls right now is a spiritual gift from them, and the influence they`ve had on me. I`m grateful for my mission, for the privelage I have to leave my family for a little while, so other families can be together forever. It may be difficult at times (like when I thought of Cassie this afternoon), but tonight was a reminder of why I`m here, and I`m so thankful for it.
Saturday: We got up today to a foggy day, full of cold. But we dutifully headed out in our soccer clothes to pick up our investigators for our weekly game. Actually, we had 6 new people come today. One of them, specifically, caught my attention. He`s name is Jordan (He has an older brother named Michael) who is 16 years old. When he runs with the ball, it just looks so graceful. And his kicks pack a whallop. When I was goalie, I blocked a shot with my SHOE and it hurt. After that, I didn`t want to be goalie. And when I was playing offense and he was guarding me, he would say things like "boo" or "Ah!" thinking he was intimidating. He`s a great guy,m and I love him, but when he kept rubbing in how much better he was than me, I felt like I was back in High School and had to prove myself to others. I was still bad at soccer, and couldn`t really do anything. I got frustrated with myself, and felt sad when he kept laughing at me. I had prideful thoughts, that I wasn`t good enough. Or that if we were in a pool, I`d show HIM. I just couldn`t help but compare myself to him. It was bad because I`m competetive, and he`s good. I felt so disappointed afterward that I had let myselft down. I thought I had become comfortable with who I am, but I`ve just been able to hold "it" in and be more patient. Which is good, but I need to be able to not compare myself to others. I am who God wants me to be, and worrying doesn`t do any good to anyone. After soccer, I had my heart`s desire of bread and avocado for lunchy. We also made rice, soaked in chicken broth. I had a lot more sandwiches than delicious rice. After lunch, we got a bunch of potatoes ready, and carried them over to a family in the other ward. I cleaned and peeled them for an hour before we started frying them. Elder Barajas and I had another appointment, so we got to eat first, before we left. We met up with Juan, a ward missionary, and went to FHE with Hna. Ema`s and her hubby were joined with some non-members who were a little antagonistic. So it was a little less productive than usual. Then we visited Guido`s family. He wasn`t there, but his sisters were. One`s 19 and pregnant (Every girl about my age has already had at least one baby. weird), and the other had her 18th birthday today. We finished the night, teaching Juan english.

Sunday: We woke up today with enough time to get everything done. We readied ourselves, and called Teresa. She told us she would have to stay home again. Out of all the rotten sundays, the one good one was the one that her mom decided to go visit someone. Lame. She said she had to stay home with her kids as a result. We went to María Soledad`s (A new investigator that seems a bit slow) house to pick her up. Her cell phone was turned off, and her gate was locked. So she didn`t come to church. we went to church, and were having a grand old time until they came up to us in the middle of a talk, and asked us to do a special musical number. The choral leader practiced with us outside for one verse, before we went back in, and sang hymn #1 in front of everyone...a capella. It was fine exept where the hymn tries to join two words with one syllable. It`s dumb. And then Elder Barajas started laughin the last verse, and my butterflies in my stomach made me start laughing. We`re going to make a list of 100 things we learned on the mission. #1 is "improvised musical numbers never work out well." As we were heading, red-faced, back to our seats. Guess whose face we saw smiling out of the congregation? Teresa! She had come, after all! And she had brought her husband, who happened to be home from work today. But she left after sacrament meeting. At least she got to make a few friends. We had lunch with Robing and Bilha. We had mashed potatoes with horse. There was also steamed carrots and onions too. After that, we were deprived of any energy we might have had, by the power and effects of a food coma. So we had ourselfes a tuto (nap). We were revived, and went to the Millahual`s. Osvaldo has had a 40-degree C fever since Friday, and has been very sick because of it. I got to help Octavio with his iPhone, and even read some things afterward. I read the first two pages of a book by Jim Butcher, the same author as the Dresden Files, and felt that I`m not going to write my book. The quality is totally horrible in comparison. More like a joke. I`ll just be happy with "Dragon Knight". I also read some talks by Elder Holland. Then we ate sopaipillas with Robin and Bilha, and watched 30 minutes of "avatar" while doing so. Then we came home and planned this next week`s goals, after reporting our #`s to the zone leaders.
P.S. Elder Barajas found out at 1:30 in the morning that we were both still awake. So we talked and even did literate exercises. We wrote about love. We wrote about heartache. We talked with each other about those that we love and have loved. We went to bed at 5:00 this morning. I wonder why I was so excited, that I couldn't sleep?

I love you all so much. Please know that I love you, and think about you all the time! Just think: I get to call you in 4 months! that`s only a third of a year! It`s flying for me. I`ve almost been in the field as long as I`ve been in the MTC. woot!